
Class <% fj& 
Book -- 



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Copyright^ . 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT; 



THE QUICK TRAVELER 



<A book's a book, although there's nothing in't!" 



Thia copy of 

The Quick Traveler 



is presented 



To 



With the compliments of the writer, offering no 

apologies for the diction; no excuses for its 

crudeness, and no regrets for its production. 



No. 



Edition Limited to 200 Copies. 
Entirely Personal. 

Copyrighted, 1912, by A. W. Hart. 






&CI.A312972 



^ 



\ 



To Mr. and Mrs. Thos. J. Felder (hereinafter 
known as Tom and Nettie Belle), of 55 Avenue 
du Bois, Paris, France. 

If they can find anything in this book that 
gives them pleasure, or if they enjoy a recital of 
any of the incidents contained herein, or if they 
find anything in it "that will hold them for a 
while," then I have been amply repaid for writ- 
ing it. 

A. W. Hart. 

New York, April 10, 1912. 



The thing that goes the farthest 

Towards making life worth while, 

That costs the least and does the most, 

Is just a pleasant smile. 

The smile that bubbles from the heart 

That loves its fellow men, 

Will drive away the cloud of gloom 

And coat the sun again. 

It's full of mirth and goodness, too, 

With manly kindness blent; 

It's worth a million dollars 

And doesn't cost a cent. 

— Selected. 



THE QUICK TRAVELER 

A correct memorandum of a trip to London 
and Stratford, Paris and Marseilles, Rome and 
Naples, Egypt and the Sudan, taken from the 
daily record of events kept during the trip with 
a particular view to the comical side of all occur- 
rences, descriptions omitted. If anybody who 
reads it is critical or inquisitive as to the con- 
struction of sentences or punctuation, the spelling, 
or the excessive use of negatives, they will please 
remember that I am simply trying to hold down 
the record of facts, in such a way that I will al- 
ways be ready to refer to my trip, and not for the 
purpose of making a public record, or in any way 
or manner catering to the skeptical reader, the 
finished traveller, the wandering artist, or to the 
antique gatherer. A record for myself and friends, 
certifying as to what I saw, what I heard and 
what I did, while "abroad." 

Note : — Spelling in E'gypt is in accordance with 
"the taste and fancy of the speller." 



11 



EXPLANATORY. 

In trying to give to my friends a fair account 
of my travels I must first state that the unex- 
pected voyage through parts of England, France, 
Italy and Egypt is due to my good friends, Mr. 
and Mrs. Thos. J. Felder, of Paris, France. I 
had agreed to pass the Christmas holiday at theii 
home in Paris, but owing to the miserable weather 
in December and January, and la grippe, Tom 
was advised by his physician to "follow the sun," 
and we not only followed it but at one time I 
thought we had caught up with it in the Sudan. 
It was very difficult for me to keep a full record 
of all events, and what I have kept puzzles me 
very much to decipher my own handwriting. I 
wish to emphatically state that there will be no 
attempt at descriptions, for I didn't spend more 
than fifteen minutes in any one tomb, temple or 
museum, while I only gave five . minutes to the 
Louvre. The Carnovalet and St. Peter's got fifteen 
minutes, Notre Dame and the Madelaine only ten; 
St. Paul's Outside of the Gates of Rome fared a 
little better, and the Pantheon in Paris and Napo- 
leon's tomb had a "stand off" with thirty minutes 
each. I managed to last through three-fourths 
of a performance at the Grand Opera House, part 
of a service in Westminster Abbey and the same 
in St. Paul's, London. One hour for Pompeii, 

12 



skipped the summit of Vesuvius, also the Aqua- 
rium at Naples and St. John's in Eome, while I 
cut out everything in Alexandria except fifteen 
minutes at Pompey's Pillar. 

So, while I was "abroad" and on sea seventy- 
eight days with so much to see, an average of fif- 
teen minutes is as much as any one can or should 
give to any subject if he desires to get over fifteen 
or twenty thousand miles of this globe. I am sure 
many will heave a sigh and say "what a fool to 
run blindly through such scenes that seldom come 
to us more than once in a lifetime," but if they 
will peruse this book, they will see that I cer- 
tainly saw much, for I kept my eyes and ears 
open all the time and now I am going to wag my 
pen, and get the full benefit of my trip by going 
over it myself first. Then you may have it. 



13 



CONFIDENTIAL. 

The reader, if he will keep on reading, will soon 
find out that I am not an expert at book-writing. 
In fact, my first attempt at literature was nearly 
fifty years ago, and "the subject of my song" was, 
"Only a Lock of Hair." These curly locks were 
duly and earnestly offered to several city news- 
papers and for some reason, still unknown to me, 
I was unable to elicit a response from my at- 
tempted correspondents. Finally, I concluded to 
submit my "effusion" to some suburban journal, 
so I sent it to the Mexican Missourian, enclosing 
a stamp requesting an immediate reply. This 
editor appropriated my stamp. 

So again after nearly fifty years I am seek- 
ing fame on my own hook. No editor will get 
a chance at this book the reader is reading, as 
I am "paying all the freight" and what's more, I 
am giving all my money and time, which is more 
than money, and hazarding my feelings that which 
may cost me much, as I am calling people by their 
real names giving real places and accurate dates. The 
Frenchman from Australia, the Louisiana planter 
from Philadelphia, the Spaniard from Buenos 
Ayres may try to even up things with me, so I 
say to you, Mr. Reader, that this is a strictly con- 
fidential and specially privileged book — communi- 
cation. And if any of you should meet my good 

H 



friend, Colonel F (and by the way 

there is no better companion, entertainer or gen- 
tleman living), you are not to tell him where he 
might get a copy of this book, or even tell him 
where I live. You may communicate to and with 
the Frenchman from Australia, or the Spaniard 
from Buenos Ayres, or even the Louisiana planter 
from Philadelphia, for the first two I am sure 
will never get back to America, while the latter 
is such a good fellow I am certain he will not try 
and even up things. 

But let me charge you that under no circum- 
stances are you to show this book or talk about it 
to Mme. G., of Chicago. My Hebrew friend from 
the same place. The Duchess from Detroit or the 
anarchist. And Dear Miss Reader, I am only 
sending you this copy that you are now holding 
in your hand in order that you may have a good 
laugh, for it is a certainty that you will, either 
laugh at something that is in the book, or at some- 
body who is out a book. 



15 



SAILING. 

I left New York on the Kaiserin Auguste Vic- 
toria, the premier ship of the Hamburg-Amer- 
ican Line, December 12, 1911, at 11 A. M., re- 
turning to New York on the White Star Liner 
Cedric, one of the largest ships that ever crossed 
the Mediterranean, arriving in New York, Feb- 
ruary 29, 1912. 

Time, seventy-eight days, divided as follows: 

Seventeen days in Paris. 

Three days in London. 

One day in Stratford on Avon. 

"One day in Marseilles. 

Twenty-one days in Egypt. 

One and one-half days in Naples. 

One and one-half days in Rome. 

Thirty-two days on the seas. 

I boarded the Kaiserin Auguste Victoria 
promptly at 10 A. M., December 12, 1911. I im- 
mediately sought my room, No. 228, of the Im- 
perial Suite, on the Auguste Victoria deck. A 
large room, 12 by 14, furnished handsomely with 
all modern furniture, including desk and station- 
ary chair. After arranging my goods and inspect- 
ing the outside of my mail and telegrams, I re- 
turned to the deck to see the hawsers loosened and 
to note the position of the representative of the 
Hamburg-American Line, as the ship left her 

16 



dock. I located him with his hat raised while the 
band on the upper deck saluted with its horns the 
national air. I then returned to my room, read 
my mail and rang one bell for my steward, when 
the following interview took place: 

"What's your name?" 

"Rudolph, sir." 

"How many first cabin passengers are aboard ?" 

"One hundred and sixty-one, sir." 

"Where do these three bells go to?" 

"To me, sir." 

"All three of them?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Why?" 

"Because this room is sometimes used for three 
persons." 

"Where does this telephone go to?" 

"To the chief steward." 

"Who occupies the rooms on the right of me?" 

"Col. F : , of Cleveland, Ohio." 

"Who is in Nos. 204 and 206?" 

"Mr. Carlisle; he is seated at the table in the 
dining saloon with you. He is the great steam- 
ship builder of Belfast." 

"Is he in his room?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Go and tell him that I won't eat luncheon, but 
that I will dine promptly at 7:15 P. M." 

"Yes, sir." 

17 



"Also tell him that as we are to sit at the same 
table during the voyage I prefer not to wear any 
dinner coat or full dress." 

"All right, sir." 

In a few minutes Eudolph returned with the mes- 
sage that Mr. Carlisle said he was agreeable to meet 
me on the conditions named, except that he very 
seldom ate anything at any time, and as to full 
dress, he didn't carry one while his dinner coat 
was rolled up and put aside for possible use when 
absolutely demanded and insisted upon. I then 
said to Rudolph "don't carry any more messages to 
Nos. 204 and 206 from me, and if I should for- 
get myself and ask you to do so, you just forget 
it also. Now you may go. Hold on, do you stay 
up all night?" "No, sir." "who does?" "Boots." 
"All right. Tell Boots I want to see him to- 



DAILY REPORT. 

DECEMBER 11, 1911. 

Ship sailed promptly on time. Found in my 
room after sailing: one box cigars, one bottle 
whiskey, 1 guide to Paris, one very large basket 
of fruit, five telegrams, eleven letters and one pos- 
tal card, three boxes of candy and two boxes of 
nuts. All these treasures were sent me, except 
two boxes of candy and one telegram; I sent them 
to myself. 

After visiting the chief steward and interview- 
ing him, I proceeded to fall all the way up stairs 
from the Kronprinz deck to the Kaiserin deck. 
This feat I have performed three times in my 
life successfully. It's an unusual stunt, but I 
can do it. This time I never lost my balance or 
my hat or cane on the trip, but I heard some titter- 
ing among the minimum passengers. 

At 2 P. M. visited the smoking room; saw 
twelve men smoking but no one speaking ;. they 
don't seem to know each other, but all looked like 
they wanted to know somebody. 

3 P. M. — A German Countess is inquiring for 
her pocketbook. No one seems to know where it 
is ; as I was leaving she seemed to be charging the 
Postal Card Steward with knowing something 
about it. Hope the Hon. A. M. Carlisle, P. C, will 
conclude to dine with me as per engagement 
19 



Dined promptly at 7 :15 P. M. The Hon Car- 
lisle came in soon after I was seated. He is an 
Irishman ; looks very much like King Edward VII 
used to look; is about fifty-six years old; has a 
merry twinkle in his eye and I imagine can hold 
his own in any company. 

This boat has no rules, directions, or notice* 
anywhere. I presume the management thinks its 
passengers have ordinary intelligence. It's very 
easy to find your way about, after you find it. 

DAY TWO. 

Slept until 10 A. M. After breakfast visited 
smoking room ; found the same twelve people there, 
but none of them were smoking. No pools on 
run of boat to-day. Saw one woman seasick, where 
she got it from I don't know; this doesn't seem 
to be a seasick boat. Visited the life boats on the 
Sonnen deck. There are eighteen of them that 
will hold fifty or seventy-five people each; picked 
my seat out on the little K. A. Victoria in the 
stern. I note that the food and water is in the 
stern of the boat. Have not seen the Hon. Car- 
lisle since last night. He told me last night that 
he married twenty-eight years ago. Next time I 
see him I am going to ask him how old he was 
when he married. 

4 P. M. — Captain Paul Kroek, of the Milwau- 

26 



kee militia, introduced me to Captain Foote, 
a captain of one of the Hamburg-American 
steamers. Captain Foote asked for leave of 
absence because he was assigned to ship bound for 
Brazil with 64,000 cases of gasoline, 10,000 barrels 
of kerosene and 10,000 sticks of dynamite. The 
captain says he signed up to be drowned, but he 

be d d if he was going to be burnt up. No 

passengers were allowed on that trip and from 
what Foote tells me, I don't think the boat has 
any captain. 

5 P. M. — I called for a round of drinks and 
there were five at the table. When the third round 
was drunk, a Hebrew at my right excused himself 
and left. Why will these people mix business with 
pleasure. Captain Foote says the Kaiser can't put 
him in the Germany navy. Captain Paul Kroek, 
of Milwaukee, says he can. It looks as if Foote 
doesn't want to fight. 

8 P. M.— Dined alone. The Hon. A. M Car- 
lisle, P. C, sent word he would not dine to-day, 
as he always rests the first night and the day fol- 
lowing. 

In entering the smoking room this evening I 
was accosted by a gentleman wearing a gray mous- 
tache and goatee and a peculiar watch eye, a lit- 
tle abruptly, as follows: 

"My name is Colonel F ; I am 

from Cleveland, Ohio." 

21 



I replied: "U. S. A. or C. S. A.?" 

"Both. Have a drink?" 

"Yes." 

Narrative of Colonel F : "I was a member 

of the Second South Carolina Infantry; joined 
Lee's forces in 1861; was wounded twice, once in 
the head — showing it — and the second time in the 
leg. I was transferred to the cavalry in 1864, 
and then put on special duty. Was aide-de-camp 
to General Patrick Cleburne at the Battle of 
Franklin; was with him on the redout when he 
was killed. M'y orderly at that time was named 
Newman. Mr. Newman is now Chairman of the 
Board of Directors of the New York Central 
Railroad. 

"I was paroled in 1865, and with forty other 
soldiers joined the U. S. Army. I rose to the 
rank of Colonel in the Regular Army and was re- 
tired for disability in 1881. I am now on my 
way to Tripoli to learn something of that war. 1 
am sixty-eight years old." 

This is as nearly exact as I can remember 
statement. All of his dates and places are very 
correct from my own knowledge. The Colonel 
further says he knows the real cause of the Italian- 
Turkish War and will tell me later. He has three 
dozen champagne of a special brand and vintage, 
and is very liberal with it. I will cultivate Col- 

22 



onel F and study him. Visited Colonel F 

in his rooms to-day. He has credentials 

from Governor Harmon; is a member of most all 
the New York prominent clubs; his yacht is now 
waiting for him at Genoa to convey him to the 
seat of war in Tripoli. The Colonel pays $650 
for his suite. A little while ago the Hebrew short- 
changed me out of a mark. We had a small game 
of poker and the Hebrew was banker, hence the 
short change. Hebrew won. 

The game of poker was a ten-cent limit, but 

Colonel F bet me $3.00 on the first 

hand; said he meant ten-cent ante. Game was 
immediately changed to a twenty-five-cent limit. 
Colonel opened the first jack-pot for $1.00; 
Jew raised $2.00. I having remarked that 
I thought it was a twenty-five-cent limit. Colonel 
says twenty-five-cent limit of bets, but you can 
open and raise jack-pots for what is down on the 
board all right. So I bet $6.00, and the Jew 
ran, and the Colonel followed, so I won 

the pot. Colonel is worth $5,000,- 

000, so he tells me. He certainly acts 
it all right. Tried to go to see the second 
cabin. Rule is no first cabin passengers can go 
into this cabin. This is probably the only ocean 
line that has such a rule — but it's a good rule all 
the same — I find the smoking room is only thirty 



feet aft of me and I have -been travelling all 
around the boat for two days to get there. 

Three dining room stewards and one ordinary 
water carrier are making up to me and giving me 
much concern over their expectations. I have no 
steamer chair and don't want any; when I go on 
deck I want to walk, not sit. 

DAY THREE. 

Got up at 11 A. M. Lunched with Honorable 
Carlisle ; says he waited at breakfast for me from 
8:30 to 10:30; I told him I knew he was wait- 
ing for me, but that he kept me waiting for 
breakfast, luncheon and dinner yesterday, and that 
was the reason I remained away; he excused him- 
self by saying, if he did not get up for breakfast 
he did not get up during the day. I spent the 
day very pleasantly with Mr. Carlisle. Mr. C. 

occupies rooms Nos. 206-208 ; Col. F has Nos. 

232-234; mine No. 228; all located on the Kaiserin 
deck. Mr. Carlisle's rooms will compare with two 
rooms and bath of the ordinary New York apart- 
ment 

I passed an hour to-.day with Mr C. in his 
rooms; he has whiskey and cigars, but neither 
drinks nor smokes. I have told him of my ac- 
quaintance with Colonel F and have 

agreed to introduce him at the proper time. 

24 



DAY FOUR. 

Rough night and a terrific day ; a comber came 
along to-day and broke one of Carlisle's windows; 
another comber broke three windows and took out 
a piece of railing on the Kaiser deck; ropes are 
up at all doors and three rope stewards are on 
watch at each door to prevent crazy passengers 

from going on deck. Called on Colonel F ; 

found him in bed; says he travels better in 
bed and will probably stay there until the boat 
sights his yacht. Looks to me right now like this 
boat is about to turn over. Carlisle is in bed; 
asked him why he didn't build more of this boat 
under water, as it is seven stories high, we should 
have at least three stories under water, as there 
are 6,000 feet of it below us; says he never built 
this boat, so that settled me. 

There are one hundred and seventy first cabin 
passengers on this ship. One hundred and ten 
women and children, sixty men; thirty-five of the 
men are chasing the women, so it only leaves 
twenty-five men come-at-able. Have agreed with 
Carlisle to put on full dress one night before w« 
get to Plymouth, England. 

A comber cleared the dining saloon of all food 
and dishes. My chicken fricassee went with the 
rest. Many more combers like this will break up 
the house. Waves are hitting six stories of the 

25 



ship The wind is blowing like an Iowa blizzard. 
Carlisle says every ninth wave is a ground swell, 
and he should know ; says water is equal to iron in 
weight. Compressed water is used as a force to 
build ships. 

DAY FIVE. 

I was notified last night that the ship would 
serve a special dinner to Mr. Carlisle and Mr. 

Hart. C says the dinner is given to me; 

that's his way of putting it. Menu was speciallly 
printed for this dinner for two. The Hebrew is 
still winning. My number in the pool was four 
hundred and thirteen miles; ship ran four hun- 
dred and fourteen miles. Hebrew won. The pool 
steward gets two dollars and fifty cents of the 
tweny-five dollars won. 

Had tea with Mr. C. and the hospital nurse. 
Went into the music room and asked Music Stew- 
ard if any damage there; said no, only a few 
legs of tables broken and a few trees blown down. 
Mr. C. says wintergarten and tea room are only 
frame houses built on the upper deck and is the 
worst place to be in in a rolling ship. They can 
be blown off and not hurt the ship. Mr. C. 
showed me a bilikin made by Caruso of himself; 
it is a good likeness. 

The rest of the trip : boat pitched, tossed, rolled, 
dipped; fell down and got up again. Before re- 

26 



tiring Carlisle came to my room and strapped my 
table to my bedstead. He certainly did tie it 
tight, for "it held to its moorings. I kept awake 
in order to stay in bed. Got up about 10 A. M. ; 
found no one in the dining saloon; returned to 
my room and ordered breakfast served in the room. 
Steward asked me what I wanted. I replied any- 
thing, so long as it's coffee. He brought me coifee 
and fruit. Said water had put out the fire in the 
range and the stove. Ran only 361 miles to-day; 
should run 420 to 430 miles. 

My stateroom is a wreck. Brass bed wrenched 
eight inches from its moorings ; wardrobe smashed ; 
everything else is damaged and my heavy trunk 
is walking around the room ; boat leaked from the 
roof. When ship rolls and quivers it means she 
has shipped water on her decks 

day six. 

Got up reasonably early and breakfasted alone. 
Had luncheon alone Carlisle must have forgotten 
to get up; hence he won't get up until tomorrow. 
No use splitting a day in two just to get up. Ritz 
Carlton restaurant about out of commission 

Captain Russer has been on the bridge over 
thirty hours. The sailor in the crow's nest is re- 
leased every hour. 

Colonel F says he has tested the roll 

27 



of the ship and remarked that it was 28 degrees. 
This remark woke up Carlisle, who replied that 
when a ship rolled 28 degrees no one would ever 
see daylight again or even 26 degrees. The 
Kaiserin didn't roll 26 degrees, but she came with- 
in a very few degrees of it. The captain of the 
ship remarked it was the worst he had seen in 
his experience. This conversation occurred in 
rooms Nos 224-226 ; we found Carlisle had been in 
bed twenty hours; Colonel F had re- 
quested an introduction to Mr. C, which was ac- 
corded him. He then regaled us with his record, 
gave a history of the Italian-Turkish War from 
a commercial standpoint. Colonel further said 
that U 1 . S. Government was providing condensed 
rations to its soldiers ; that three days' rations for 
a soldier could be carried in an ordinary pocket- 
book. 

DAY SEVEN. 

Took kodak pictures to-day of everybody I knew 
on ship 

Saw a piece of feminine Dresden china to-day 
with two gentlemen; Mr. C. guessed she was fif- 
teen to seventeen years old. I guessed nineteen to 
thirty-eight years. While looking at her she be- 
gan smoking cigarettes and helped to stow away 
three quarts of champagne. Told Mr. C. to guess 
again at her age. About 9 P. M. we went up to 

28 



the smoking room; found everything chained 
down tight. Nothing slipping except people; all 
the outside doors were closed and roped up; three 
rope stewards guarded each door Nobody said 
anything and nobody asked any questions, even 
the women were quiet. There was no let up in 
the rolling of the ship No one at this juncture 
cared to know how many degrees the ship was 
rolling. 

Do you think she is rolling 26 degrees now? I 
queried. I hope not Would the Amerika roll 
like this? I don't know. I never saw a storm 
like this. 

THE STORM. 

On Thursday night, December 14, about 
P. M., I noticed the swelling ocean, spattering its 
white caps over the ship I thought nothing of it, 
because I was a novice at ocean travelling. Dur- 
ing the night the ship rolled and tossed and 
pitched. I assumed that this was the ordinary 
way of a big ship in a rough sea I called on 
Mr. C. and he said the "ship was rolling very 
badly and to a great degree." I asked him how 
he knew. He said: "I measured it with my eye. 
Noticing the swing of my glasses hanging on the 
wall I can come within a degree of the actual roll." 
I asked him if the captain of the ship knew to 
what degree the ship was rolling. "Yes, every roll 

29 



is automatically recorded and thi6 ship is rolling 
very badly." I said get up, then, and let's go 
into the wintergarten He replied: "The winter- 
garten is the worst place on the boat to go to, 
because the roll at the top is many points greater 
than at the base." "Well, I said, get up there is 
music up there. I knew this would catch him 
because he likes music better than his dinner. 
When we got into the Wintergarten I fell among 
the chairs, while he held to the steward and the 
railing. When I got anchored I said to him that 
the women looked white and blanched, that they 
knew that he was familiar with navigation, so 
let's laugh a little. He said all right, "if you can 
laugh I can." Just then most of the tables and 
chairs were put out of business. After gathering 
ourselves up we sat there for one hour and then 
went down to dinner. In a few minutes every- 
thing we had in front of us was on the floor; 
dishes and cut glass and everything else, includ- 
ing my bottle of Manacea water; racks were 
placed there to hold the glasses, but I guess no 
one cared to eat much. 

DAY EIGHT. 

Didn't get up until 12 M. Old ocean smoother 
and got down to its normal condition; we ran 
406 knots in twenty-four hours, forty-seven miles 

30 



better than yesterday. Passengers most all ac- 
quainted with each other and very many exchang- 
ing cards. Carlisle is to get off at Plymouth. 
Captain notified him that ship would anchor at 
1 A. M. Thirty passengers are to get off, but 
three out of the thirty say they will remain on 
board until 7 A. M. to-morrow. This division 
has caused considerable stir, as there is a rule on 
the Hamburg-American Line that it is optional 
for any passenger to decide if he cares to leave the 
ship after 11 P. M. The action of these three 
people will delay the ship eight hours if insisted 
upon. Carlisle is in a stew, because the captain 
will not discharge any passengers unless all go. 
No one seems to know who the dissenters are. I 
think I know who two of them are, a well-known 
expected divorcee and her maid. 

Captain has notified Carlisle that he can land 
at 1 A. M. All have agreed to go. Bar steward 
has notified everybody that smoking room and bar 
will be kept open until 1 A. M. Wintergarten 
is also running. Dresden china girl still drinking 
champagne. 

11 P. M.— Passed the Lizard at 9 P. M.; 
sighted Bishop's Rock at 11 P. M. and Eddystone 
Light at the same time. 

1 A. M. — Anchored at Plymouth, England. 
Said good-bye to Carlisle. Ship raised anchor 
at 3 A. M. 

31 



LAST DAY. 

Got up at 9 A. M.; 10 A. M. sighted Cher- 
bourg, prance, and anchored in a driving rain 
storm. No covering of any account on the lighter ; 
loaded all the passengers on it and after standing 
in the rain for fifteen minutes, lighter docked at 
Cherbourg, while the Kaiserin Auguste Victoria 
steamed off for Hamburg. 



32 



CHERBOURG. 

No one wants to know anything about Cher- 
bourg, especially in the rain, so let Cherbourg 
slide. 

On the train with my luggage at 1 P. M., hav- 
ing been greatly assisted by my Hebrew friend. 
He got me a porter and after we landed, request- 
ed a five franc piece to pay my porter. I gave 
it to him, and lo and behold, it paid all the score, 
including his baggage, so I was short-changed by 
him for the third time, lmt I don't care, he helped 
me land and get through the Custom House in 
good shape and without much delay. 

Left Cherbourg promptly at 1 P. M. The train 
conductor was very pleasant to me, as he noticed 
I was not feeling too well; he spoke English 
fluently; told me to make myself comfortable and 
asked me if I wished luncheon. I told him I 
would have some tea at 4 o'clock. Promptly at 
4 o'clock the dining car conductor called for me 
to get my luncheon. The distance from Cher- 
bourg to Paris is about 300 miles, which we ran 
in seven hours and ten minutes. Promptly at 
7 :10 we arrived at San Lazzare station and I was 
met by Mr. Felder's valet, William Kee, of Nash- 
ville, Tenn., with the limousine auto and the 
French chauffeur. After arranging with William 
to have my trunks passed through the Custom 

33 



House on the following day, I was whisked 
through Paris up the Champs Elysees into the 
Avenue du Bois, and at 8 :15 I arrived at No. 55. 
I was placed in the unique looking little elevator, 
pushed button No. 5 and soon was landed at the 
apartment of my host and hostess. 



34 



PARIS. 

No city in the world, probably, has such a 
uniform skyline as Paris. The building regula- 
tion of seven stories and no greater height for 
any building, lets the visitor always see the sky- 
line even if he is walking. Something that is 
denied the New Yorker in New York. The per- 
fect fan spread out represents its beautiful streets. 
1 will make no attempt at description for Paris 
is described in too many books, too many maga- 
zines, and too many newspapers. At the outset 
I set forth my determination as to descriptions, 
so the reader must look elsewhere to read about 
Paris from a descriptive standpoint. 

Paris is a good place to visit if you have the 
price ; so is France. Buy a Baedeker or get one of 
the Hamburg-American line guides. They can 
tell you more than I know or could find out in 
twelve months. Don't look for the Latin quarter. 
It is not there any more, no more than the remains 
of Danton, Marat or Robespierre that once ruled 
with a cruel hand. The Latin quarter has fol- 
lowed them but Le Empereur is there always. 

Three weeks in Paris should be sufficient time to 
get acquainted with the town, but if that time is 
passed in an auto, you cannot so easily familiarize 
yourself with every locality; however, I managed 
to pull through all right, and don't think I was 

35 



misunderstood but once. When I told the chaf- 
feur to take me to Mai Maison (my house), In 
about twenty minutes I found myself in the Bon 
de Bolougne, en route to Josephine's former home, 
Mai Maison. I corrected him by shouting "Chez- 
Moi," and soon had him back to No. 55 Avenue 
du Bois in time for an 8 o'clock dinner. 

I did Paris in a hurry, as I had so much ground 
to get over. I knew I would leave something out, 
unless I galloped through each place. 

I saw everything that was to be seen in Paris. 
I saw quickly, but took time enough to fairly im- 
bue myself with the subject. I walked through 
the Luxemburg Gardens ; visited an American bar. 
Bought a drink and a cigar; cigar was broken; 
barkeeper refused to exchange it so I paid for it, 
threw it away, and steadfastly during my stay in 
Paris, I refused to patronize the place. Was in- 
troduced to a French-American artist who talked 
freely of French art; agreed with everything he 
said ; when I found I had to say something, I told 
him I thought Apt's chicken painting was the 
best I ever saw, and Kneller's Lord Howe and 
Countess of Derby were about the best portraits 
ever painted. I think he agreed with me. Then 
T bade him good-bye. 

The stores of Paris may contain fine goods, but 
they are not nearly as palatial, or cleanly as the 
stores in America. Marshall Field's, Altaian's, 

36 



Wanamaker's have no equal in Paris in any way. 
Possibly better and cheaper linens, laces and gloves 
may be obtained, but as retail stores, New York's 
and Chicago's are superior. Again there is no 
shopping street in Paris equal to Fifth Avenue; 
same may apply to the hotels and cafes, but Paris 
is all alone in many ways and no place is its equal 
or like it. It seeans to be well governed, and yet 
the Apache of the Bois de Boulogne robs and mur- 
ders his victim and often gets away; these rob- 
beries and murders startle Paris about once a 
week. 

Visited* the Pantheon, and passed some time 
studying Rodin's "Thinker." Just as I entered 
the guard yelled, "To the Crypt." So I joined 
the procession accompanied by Nettie Belle. Af- 
ter gazing silently at the urn of J. J. Rousseau, 
and right opposite at Victor Hugo's, then at Vol- 
taire's, then Bertolait and his wife, both of whom 
died the same day, I asked for Dumas, and was 
told that he was lying in La Chaise. Danton was 
once in this Crypt but the people raided the place 
and threw Danton out. 

The new piece in plaster, La Convention Na- 
tionale, is in the foreground; it will soon be in 
marble ; it represents the people crying to Marshal 
Hock for a new constitution. 

To the Madelaine to see it let out, I gave ten 
minutes. This large church edifice has no win- 

37 



dows ; light is emitted through the doors. I stood, 
as the people passed out, the sexton continually 
shoving me about; one person out of ten touched 
the brushes which held holy water. 

Christmas Eve night is one of the great celebra- 
tions in Paris. My good host tendered me his 
auto for the night, as on account of his illness with 
la grippe, he was unable to accompany me. I 
thought of my Hebrew friend. I knew he was 
staying at the Continental, so I told the chauffeur 
to go there. As I pulled up in front of the en- 
trance there he stood in all his regalia: a dinner 
coat, a black string tie and an opera hat of the 
vintage of 1839. 

I told him my errand was to see Paris to-night, 
that he, having been to Paris fifty-eight times 
(twice a year for twenty-nine years) should know 
all about it; he acquiesced in my invitation, and 
asked me how long I had the machine for, and 
where did I get it. After setting his mind at rest 
on these questions he asked me if I objected 
to having a lady accompany us. I asked him who, 
and he replied, "Mme. G., of Chicago." I told 
him to get her. He then sent his card up to the 
lady's room, with whom it appears he had an en- 
gagement; she quickly responded to his card. 
Well, she was the ugliest woman I ever put my 
eyes on, but I soon saw she was a lady and one of 
unusual intelligence, so I turned on the lights in 

88 



the machine and told them not to disturb the 
flowers, and asked my friend whither? "To the 
Dead Eat," he ordered in genuine French. Arriv- 
ing at the Dead Eat, my friend attempted to get 
in, but was refused admittance, as it was full; 
then he ordered the chauffeur to go to the Abbaye. 
To the Abbaye we rushed, only to repeat the per- 
formance. As this was growing monotonous, I 
told him to let me try. As I reached the entrance 
of the place and saw an opening; I beckoned my 
companions to follow me quickly. Getting into 
the hallway I saw about fourteen Cocottes. I got 
a handful of small coins and threw them into the 
crowd. This manifestation of prodigal liberality 
settled the question of our entrance. We were 
shown upstairs into the main salon and secured 
a table, when to my horror my Hebrew friend 
turned white. I said, "what's the trouble?" He 
replied they want fifty francs each for supper and 
no wine. And the supper is nothing but soup 
and cold chicken. "Well," I replied, "give the 
waiter 150 francs; that's cheap enough for a place 
like this. "Oh, Mr. Hart, 150 francs for supper 
and 150 francs for the wine, that means $60.00. 
You surely don't mean that. I know you are a 
millionaire, but look at me. I can't stand for 
that." "Well," I said, "give this nigger a Louis 
(a nigger is the head man at Abbaye — he caane 
from Georgia). At that request, he nearly fainted, 



but I made him take out the gold piece and give 
it. This was our only salvation in leaving the 
place, after making my bluff to get in. Seating 
ourselves in the auto, I said, "Where are you going 
now?" "I think we will try Edward VII on Rue 
Cammartin ; it's new and beautiful." I asked him 
why not Maxim's. At this he laughed, as much 
as to say, "You want the earth." We arrived at 
Edward VII about 1 A. M., and I had the pleas- 
ure of an introduction to Bonfare, the star of 
the Moulin Rouge, who was to sing at Edward 
VII twice that night for 1,000 francs. I could 
not see Bonfare's face on account of the paint 
on it. At close range her lips looked like Me- 
phisto's, the red paint reaching nearly to the ears. 
She was accompanied by an attache of the Rou- 
mania Embassy, who was smitten with her. We 
became well acquainted. I said "oui" once in a 
while and she jabbered considerable. She had at 
least forty rings on her fingers. She drank wine 
freely, and asked me if I would not return to 
Edward's on New Year's Eve. (I did return to 
Edward's and found the same attache and Bon- 
fare, and before I left she asked me, through an 
interpreter, if I would give her some jewels. I 
excused myself at that time and suggested that 
her hands were already full. She replied that she 
loved diamonds and wanted them so she could 
remember me. I told her to forget it.) 

40 



My Hebrew friend was getting tired, so I sent 
him to his hotel, after he had short-changed me 
out of seven francs. This is the last throw that 
Jew will ever get at me. At 5 A. M. I arrived 
at Maxim's. The doors were barred and a row of 
policemen were in front. I pleaded for admission, 
and finally one officer pointed to another. I took 
the cue; handed out a five-franc piece. Up went 
the shutters and I was pushed into the arms of 
the head bandmaster at Maxim's. Another five- 
franc piece secured me a table and I remained 
until the festivities were over. Maxim's isn't 
worth a description. I went there because I heard 
of it as a place worth seeing. 

They would have to give me more than ten 
francs to get me there again. I returned to 
"Chez-Moi," pushed the little button in the ele- 
vator and was soon in my room and asleep. 

The next time I visited Paris at night was 
with Tom; he took me to five theatres and I 
failed to find or see the stage at any but the Al- 
hambra; saw a very fine English ballet; the chil- 
dren were exceptionally fine. Following my visit 
to five theatres in one night, Tom escorted me to 
"Societe de Propogation de la Boxe Anglaise." 
Here I witnessed five scientific prize-fights, the 
last being between Kid McCoy and George Gun- 
ther, an Australian nigger. McCoy won. The 
arena was full of gentlemen in full dress with a 

41 



fair sprinkling of ladies. We were seated at the 
ringside in front. There was nothing brutal about 
the fights; no knockouts, as the pairs were very 
evenly matched. The next day I met Kid McCoy 
and asked him why he didn't knock the nigger out, 
and he replied that he did try to, but couldn't. 1 
am afraid forty years of age is too old for a prize 
lighter. And I said to the kid that he would drop 
to some one before he got back to America. I 
guess he is making money and has to stand up 
until he is knocked out. 

The airships, aeroplanes and dirigibles are sail- 
ing about Paris daily if the weather is pleasant; 
they have ceased to be a curiosity any more. Saw 
Santos Dumont on the boulevard; the little fel- 
low has quit the air business apparently. 

Went riding with Tom to-day, was tired and 
sleepy, and when Tom found out I was asleep 
while he was talking, said it was a disgrace to go 
to sleep in Paris and cut me up with a general 
lecture on sleeping. I paid little attention until 
be threatened to have the chauffeur drive me home. 
I straightened up and agreed to keep awake if he 
would give me a cigar. This compromise of the 
affair pleased him. He said I had lost much by 
going to sleep in the streets, that he was explain- 
ing the statue of Henry of Navarre on the left 
side of the Seine and also the column that used 
to hold the horses that Napoleon stole from Italy. 
42 



I asked him where the horses were and he said' 
they were sent back to Italy and others were put 
in their places. He said I also missed the sight 
of the Prison where Henry killed himself and 
Patty du Clam died. Just then he pulled up 
at Henry's in the Rue Volney and I asked him if 
this Henry was any relation to that Henry, and 
he said "who?". I replied, "This is Henry's 
ain't it?" "Yes, but this Henry is a Dutchman 
who has lived in Paris twenty-five years; the 
ether Henry was a Frenchman who tried to do 
something to Germany and Dreyfus." I 6aid 
"Oh!" and he looked disgusted. I asked him to 
take me where I could buy an $8.00 bracelet 
watch, and he refused, saying it would cost more* 
to pay for the auto than the watch. 



43 



FONTAINEBLEAU. 

Hotel De France et a Angleterre at the en- 
trance of the palace is probably the most expen- 
sive hotel in the world. I was required to pay 
$1.50 for an ordinary cigar and a drink of whiskey 
and soda. The waiter wanted to arrange luncheon 
for me, but I told him that I had to retain enough 
money to get back to Paris, and as I did not know 
what I had to go through with in paying my 
guide through the palace, I thought it best to go 
hungry. He let me go after short-changing me 
out of sixty cents. 

I visited the palace (Sunday) and was fort- 
unate in securing one of the door guards to ac- 
company me. I was advised to employ one who 
could speak English, but I preferred a French- 
man, as by that means I might learn a few more 
words to add to my French vocabulary which at 
this time was composed of only such words as oui, 
cinq et cinq, Avenue du Bois, partout, Rue, Cafe, 
Chez moi, Bon Marche, Continental and a few 
Rues. 

On entering the palace I found that I was all 
alone with my guard, no one else within its sacred 
precincts. 

My Frenchman started to tell me what I was 
looking at. I shouted "show me the room where 
Pope Pius VII was a prisoner. When I got into 

44 



the room I demanded to be shown the Cardinal's 
room, then his name. This stumped the guard, 
but finally he got it out — Conselve. Now the 
guard room. Now show me the place where the 
German Emperor or William I stood — the exact 
spot where William I was proclaimed Emperor 
of Germany. Then he took me in the large re- 
ception hall and pointed out the spot. This his- 
torical circumstance is not advertised in France, 
but it is a matter of history that Bismarck had 
William proclaimed Emperor of Germany in the 
Palace of Fontainebleau; later he was crowned 
in Germany. 

"Now show me the Article of Abdication signed 
by Napoleon I." 

He showed me the fac-simile, the original is 
in the Archives of France. Now the table on 
which it was signed. There was the little table, 
marked by the notch made by Napoleon in his 
anger, with a knife. 

Now for the library begun by Francis I. Then 
the rooms of Madam Maintenon, the Emperor's 
rooms and so on through the great palace, prob- 
ably the show-place of France. And while Na- 
poleon would not stay at the palace at Versailles, 
he lived much at Fontainebleau. My guide was 
very reasonable, very gentlemanly. He said I was 
too quick for him. But I saw Fontainebleau Pal- 
ace for two hours, which was well worth the day 

45 



I gave to get there and return to Paris. The or- 
dinary traveler should give as many days as I gave 
hours to this wonderful palace. 



46 



CALLING ON TOM KIECK. 

One evening Tom concluded he would take me 
to see his friend, Tom Keck. So he ordered a 
machine from the Tea House of Fouquet and we 
started — en route we stopped once or twice and 
the time slipped by so rapidly that it was nearly 
twelve o'clock when we arrived at our destination. 
The doors of the gate were bolted and the Con- 
cierge was evidently asleep. Tom said to the 
chauffeur "ala Concierge Monsieur Keck." After 
some minutes our chauffeur returned with the mes- 
sage that Monsieur Keck didn't live there. At 
this Tom alighted and the following dialogue took 
place. "Monsieur Tom Keck ala twar — ze — e — 
chaz — " The chauffeur said, "Monsieur Keck, up- 
stairs." Chauffeur said, "Parley vous?" Tom 
said, "Oui, ah moi — eh — ze — old man this fellow 
can't talk French worth a cent. Give him the 
whole alphabet, Tom, and wake up the janitor." 
"Don't you see the door is shut. It's against the 
law to wake up a janitor after twelve o'clock in 
Paris. If you haven't the combination to the gate, 
you'd better let him sleep." Then Tom said to 
our patient-waiting chauffeur, "Zee — e — ala gon 
away, Donna, Niente Fatuendo." Oh, hell, "Chez 
Moi !" "Let's go home, old man !" And we went. 
We found out the next day that Tom Keck used 

47 



to live there, but had moved; and after consult- 
ing his French book, Tom found he had been 
talking some French and some Italian, but the 
Niente Fatuendo told the story. 



48 



HENRY'S. 

On Rue Volney, a resort for Americans prin- 
cipally. Champagne is sold for a franc a drink; 
cigars the same. The other floors are used for a 
hotel by Henry. It is well kept. Among its 
prominent guests is Hobby, the only steamship 
commissioner outside passenger agent in Paris. 
Hobby is all walk. On Proctor's circuit Hobby 
would score a success. Hobby has been living at 
Henry's ever since Henry was Henry. He says 
about thirty years ago Henry tried to emigrate 
to America. He crossed on a German boat and 
landed at Hoboken. Henry not liking the looks 
of New York, refused to leave Hoboken, return- 
ing on the same boat to France. Hobby is a fine 
character and well liked by all frequenters of 
Henry's. 

TRAVELLERS' CLUB. 

A beautiful building located near the Arc on 
the Champs Elysees, designated as the Travellers' 
Club of Paris, demands more than passing com- 
ment. Among its members all nations are 
counted, many travellers of world-wide fame use 
its registers and seek its beautiful salons. Prince, 
Lord, Duke or Commander are associated within 
the spacious precincts of the club. Its suspended 
stairway and balcony of onyx is in itself one of the 
sights of Paris. The Travellers acquired this 

49 



property after the last Eevolution. At one time 
it was supposed to be the property of Napo- 
leon the Third. Many Americans are enrolled 
in the Travellers; probably there are very few 
Americans who reside in Paris part of the time 
that are not associated with the Travellers' Club. 
I passed many very pleasant hours there during 
my stay. 



50 



LONDON. 

Three days in London hurried me somewhat, 
but I got a fair view of the city, and a line on all 
the principal points of interest, all through the 
kindness of my good friend, Carlisle. Arrived 
at Charing Cross promptly on time and took lodg- 
ings at the Savoy. All alone in London this first 
night. I took in the Alhambra, a fairly good 
show, that's all. 

My friend called the next day and took me to 
the Eeform Club, and through many parts of old 
London. Lunched with Carlisle at his home, No. 
12 Hyde Park Place; other guests were one of the 
representatives of the New York Sun, and the 
representative of the New York Times. We fin- 
ished at 3 P. M. After dropping the corre- 
spondents, I asked Mr. C. the names of the guests. 
He said he didn't know. This was my first notice 
that Mr. C. could not remember names. We re- 
turned to the Savoy, and there I was introduced 
by Mr. C. to Mr. Edward Sharer, of Glasgow. Mr. 
Sharer builds the great dreadnaughts for Eng- 
land's admiralty. Visited with Mr. Sharer for 
an hour. Dined at Picadilly Grill, said to be the 
largest and handsomest grill room in London. 
Had tea at the Savoy at a dollar a cup, includ- 
ing trimmings. At 10 P. M. visited Hotel Hol- 
born, stopped at No. 46 Doughty Street and in- 

51 



spected the residence of Charles Dickens, now a 
boarding house. Doughty Street is much like 
Sampson Street, Philadelphia. Doughty Cham- 
bers is opposite, and Old Curiosity Shop around 
the corner; then back to the Savoy to rest. 

At 10 A. M. Mr. C. took me to service in St. 
Paul's, and afterwards service in Westminster 
Abbey, winding up with a drive to the Marble 
Arch, then on the Mall to Buckingham Palace to 
Rotten Row; then up the Strand, through Regent 
Street to Burlington Arcade at the Bank of Eng- 
land and in it and through it; to the Cecil and 
everywhere in London that a lively car could carry 
me. Occasionally we would leave the machine and 
mount the top of a bus and ride through the busy 
streets. These busses seldom stop to let anyone 
on or off, sometimes they slow up. I only got on 
and got off running. 

London is more reasonable than Paris, and 
England is more liberal than France. People in 
England seem to be satisfied ; in France it is hard 
sometimes to suit them. In England the air seems 
free to breathe ; in France they would charge you 
for it. I saw no beggars in England. I was an- 
noyed to death in France. The Englishman is 
satisfied with himself and his country. The 
Frenchman is dissatisfied with himself and his 
government, so a change may be expected. 

62 



SOME SIGN IN LONDON. 
How to Fight Germany 

READ 

JOHN BULL 



The above sign is handsomely painted and lo- 
cated in a prominent place on the Strand, near 
the Savoy Hotel, London, England. 



53 



LONDON, PARIS, NEW YORK. 

There should be no comparison of the three 
cities. London is greater than Paris, Paris is 
greater than New York, and New York is greater 
than London; thus you have it. All of them sur- 
pass each other. There are no stores in the world 
like those of Chicago and New York. The man- 
ager of the Bon Marche, Paris, objected to such 
a statement, and would only admit that the build- 
ings that held the goods were better. He said : "We 
sold at retail 247,000,000 francs last year, about 
$49,000,000, and we sell to the rabble and to roy- 
alty." I then asked him how many silk stockings 
he had in his stock. He hardly knew. When I 
told him that Marshall Field, Wanamaker and 
Altman had more silk stockings in their stock than 
were in the whole of Paris, he shrugged his 
shoulders and smiled. 

Paris has no equal in the world, neither has 
London, and no more has New York. 



54 



SHAKESPEARE— STRATFORD. 

To visit Shakespeare's birclrplace and residence 
had always been a great desire. Paris and Lon- 
don were secondary considerations. I accom- 
plished this desire on Friday, January 5, 1912. I 
arrived at the pretty little station before 3 P. M. 
I soon engaged a Shakespeare cab, three-fourths of 
which was glass and started for the church. Ar- 
riving in due course, I knocked at the glass and 
iron door and was admitted by the sexton, who al- 
ways keeps the door locked. He immediately re- 
quested me to register (charge one shilling). Af- 
ter registering, as I was standing at the end of the 
center isle, he called my attention to a complete 
bend in the construction of the church, the bend 
beginning at the commencement of the altar. This 
he said was accounted for as a freak in construc- 
tion. The church being rebuilt in three periods, 
beginning in the 16th century and ending in the 
18th century. The effect of the bend would appear 
as designed, but the sexton says it was accidental, 
probably the "plumb line" was out of order. I 
then asked him if I could see the Register of Mar- 
riages. He replied that no one was allowed to 
handle it, except by an order of the Bishop, as 
the Bishop wasn't in sight, I told him I didn't 
want to handle it, but merely wished to inspect 
it. He then said I could see it in a glass case; 

55 



this exactly suited me. In most all the ''Lives of 
Shakespeare" I have read, it is asserted that he 
had a daugher named Judith, who married at the 
age of forty in this church and that she signed 
the Eegister "Judith (her mark X) Shakespeare." 
After viewing this Register, I cannot conceive of 
any author making such a statement, as all the 
Registers in this church are written up by the 
clerk of the church, and no one ever signed any 
of them. It seems that after Shakespeare became 
prominent and a source of revenue to the town of 
Stratford, the then clerk of the church looked up 
the names of seven Shakespeares who were buried 
or married in this church, and opposite each name 
placed a cross mark in order to be able to show the 
visitor quickly who of the Shakespeares were com- 
municants in this church. The sexton's exposition 
of the facts proves to me that such editions of 
Shakespeare, containing such statements are scarce- 
ly worth reading. It is wholly unnecessary for me 
to try and combat the Shakespeare claimants. To 
any sensible person combatting the argu- 
ments of these adherents — and I refer to 
all the people in Stratford only — it is 
only necessary to listen to them to make 
up your mind that they are laboring under a strain 
to try and convince you, although you have not 
denied that Shakespeare wrote everything attrib- 
uted to him. The strongest certain argument that 

56 



Shakespeare did not write the works attributed to 
him, is that he never really put in a genuine claim 
to authorship by any act of his; he had no corre- 
spondence with any of his associates as to the merit 
of his works, or on any other subject. 'Tis true 
that probably most of them were published dur- 
ing his life and his name appended to them, but 
he seems to have been too modest to discuss them. 
At this period the most valuable asset of any writer 
was the books or manuscripts he left behind him. 
Apparently Shakespeare placed no value on them. 
A large portion of his scenes were laid in Italy 
and the characters were Italians, yet there is posi- 
tively no evidence that he ever went to Italy. In 
his will be made no reference to his books, but 
gave his "second best bed and furniture" to his 
wife. According to history, he held horses in Lon- 
don, was a valet, an actor and part maanger of 
"The Globe," doctored up plays and invented 
scenes to make them presentable. Neither his 
father or mother could read or write, while no 
one ever found a record of who his paternal grand- 
father was. He played the Ghost in Hamlet once 
— a very appropriate part. 

Again. During the Shakespeare period, very 
probably 80 per cent, of the people of Stratford 
could neither read or write, a very poor place to 
produce such a man as Shakespeare is claimed to 
have been ; a scholar, a soldier, a lawyer, an artist, 

57 



a poet, a diplomat, a sailor, a man of unfathom- 
able learning, the depths of which can never be 
measured, whose keenness of precision has never 
missed its mark, and whose fullness of thought 
and action can never be equalled. No, Shake- 
speare, 'he himself," was a plodder, a man of very 
ordinary nature; poor in thought, reasonably sharp 
but ignorant, unjust and vindictive. For proof, 
please note his will — and I think every unprej- 
udiced person will accord with me; if not, then 
go to the church and look at the original bust of 
him, and you will see there the counterpart of a 
fat, sleek, wine agent. 

In looking over Stratford, in gazing upon 
Shakespeare's church, in walking over the slab 
"curst be he who moves my bones," in seeing the 
figure of Margaret Clopton and the bust of Shake- 
speare, then going to his house and the cottage of 
Anne Hathaway, then coming back and going over 
the whole ground again, then talking to the sex- 
ton and hearing him discourse on the identity of 
the poet, you will be more convinced than ever 
that Shakespeare was a very ordinary man, and 
further, that he never wrote anything; never had 
any correspondence with anybody; never kept a 
scrap of paper or any record of anything in the 
literary line,- except his epitaph. Now he has 
fame, but there is something lacking to make it 
last much longer. There is evidence that Queen 



Elizabeth commanded Shakespeare to write a play, 
and it is assumed the play was "The Merry Wives 
of Windsor," but Lord Bacon handed that com- 
mand to him. A responsibility rests upon those 
agitators who repudiate Shakespeare's claim to 
authorship; they must dig deep into records and 
try and find out absolutely the truth. I'm too 
far away to do anything but forcibly assert 
the negative. For no man of such rearing 
and surroundings and such small educational 
advantages could possibly produce such works. 
The man who wrote Shakespeare at least at- 
tended a high school and must have had some 
correspondence with some one on the subject 
and left some legitimate acknowledgment de- 
manding recognition of these great works. There 
must be a preface somewhere claiming the court- 
esy of the reading public, asking them to listen 
to his songs; to the truths he uttered, the plans 
he unfolded, the humanity he portrayed, the 
teachings he proclaimed, for he gave them freely 
and without reward, and yet most of his life was 
passed in their preparation and it is reasonable to 
suspect that some one else besides the author may 
have said something about them between the years 
1600 and 1616. If so, where is it? No one 
knows anything about Shakespeare, except by in- 
ference; all editions of his life are contradictory 
on most points. No one knows where his father 

59 



was born. Most of them agree that he was an 
alderman, but was expelled from the board; all 
agree that his financial condition was at the zero 
point and yet at this very period Shakespeare was 
worth thousands of pounds, but he gave no relief 
to him that any one knows of. He was not a duti- 
ful son ; and I don't believe he wrote Shakespeare. 

PAKIS TO MARSEILLES. 

We had a Berliner from Paris to Marseilles. A 
Berliner is a car with compartments for three ; that 
is, three reclining chairs or berths, are side by side. 
Tom had secured the tickets and the berths in the 
Berliner. When the conductor came he refused to 
accept the two tickets from Tom and Nettie Belle 
for a three-compartment Berliner, and if he ac- 
cepted them he required that I should remain in 
the same compartment with Tom and Nettie Belle 
and absolutely refused to show me my Berliner, 
unless we purchased a fourth ticket. Now, 
all this conversation was in French, as pure 
French as they make it. Finally, the conductor 
said there was a lady in the next car who spoke 
French, so he could understand her and suggested 
we interview her. So I accompanied Nettie Belle 
and the conductor to the lady's compartment. 
When we entered we found two old Dowager 
Duchesses and an old Lord asleep. The fool con- 
ductor awakened the old lady and told her his 

60 



errand, at the same time Nettie Belle spoke to her 
and suggested that I move out. The old lady told 
the conductor that Nettie Belle spoke better 
French than she did and she could see no neces- 
sity for calling on her to interpret. The conduc- 
tor said that at the next station — about midnight 
— he would see the station agent and settle the 
matter. The station agent decided in our favor, 
so we returned to our Berliner. Tom was very 
hot under the collar and wanted to punch the fool 
conductor. When he found things settled, he 
turned to me and said: "Old man, do you know 
the reason for all this trouble?" "Well, I'll tell 

you. Nettie Belle has been so stingy with her 

French that she came very near having us all put 
off the train." I rolled up in some blankets hired 
at the station in Paris and tried to go to sleep, 
between a Jew from Baxter Street, New York, 
and a Scotchman from Glasgow; it reminded me 
very much of railroad travel during the war times 
in Mississippi. I rolled out, clothes and all at 
Avignon, France, to get some coffee, and before I 
could grab the cup from the French woman she 
filled it half full of goat's milk. If there is any- 
thing I hate it's goat's milk. Between the rot- 
ten Berliner, the conductor, the bed fellows and 
goat's milk, I thought of Chez Moi. 



61 



FEOM MARSEILLES TO ALEXANDRIA. 

INDISPOSED. 

Old Lady: When I was born, I was so small 
they could put me in a coffee pot and shut down 
the lid. 

Second Old Lady: And did you live? 

Old Lady: They say I did and did well. 

Nettie Belize. 

Ice cream and Boule baillse for which Mar- 
seilles is so celebrated, don't go very well together, 
but I tried the combination once — anybody should 
try anything once — and failed to destroy the ef- 
fect, after taking two India China oiled capsules. 
I managed to ride (on the day following my diet 
of fish and ice cream) to the good ship Schleswig, 
lying at the pier at Marseilles, opposite the Cha- 
teau D'if. Sailing for Alexandria I soon got my 
quarters, and as the ship sailed, I rang violently 
for the ship's doctor. A dapper little German pre- 
sented himself ready for business. "Vat's the 
matter?" "I don't know; that's why I sent for 
you in order to find out. Raising my eyelashes, 
he said : "Did you ever have the yellow jaundice ?" 
"No; I'm just getting it for the first time." 
"Well, I'll give you some calomel." "What for?" 
"Well you get it all right. I gif you three and 
one-half grains; den I gif you some Carlsbad and 
you got them both." 

62 



1 P. M. — Now I give you a schoppen of oil. 
How does that strike you?" 

"All right." And I got the schoppen. 
7 A. M.— "No good?" 
"No." 

"Well, I'll give you some more all right." So 
I got another schoppen. 

2 P. M.— "No good?" 

"I guess I'll die all right, Doc." 

"Well, why don't you eat something? I'm not 
sure what's the matter with you." 

"Neither am I, and I don't propose to eat any- 
thing." 

"But you are getting yellow already." 

"Doc, when will I get greener than what I am ?" 

"About to-morrow." 

"Now, what are you going to do?" 

"I think I give you about a quart of olive oil 
and some isen." 

"What's isen?" 

"Don't you know what isen is? Well, I think 
it's transparent." 

"What do you mean ? Isenglass ?" 

"Yes, that's it. I saw it do good once." 

"But, Doc, you don't know what's the matter 
with me, and yet you give me isen ?" 

"Yes, yes, it's good, very good." 

So I got the isen. About this time Tom and 
Nettie Belle appeared in my cabin. "Well, old 

63 



man, we have got an English doctor on board and 
we are going to bring him to see you, after duly 
conferring with our ship's doctor." 

"All right, bring him in. Do you think he 
knows as much as the littde doctor?" 

"Os yes; he is from London, you know." Soon 
both doctors appeared on the scene, and I think 
they fully agreed that any kind of treatment was 
better than doing nothing. So they gave me some 
more isen and a box of Carlsbad. At this junc- 
ture, the fourth day, I was pretty well loaded. On 
the morning of the fifth day the doctor appeared 
and remarked that they had agreed to not give 
me any more medicine. I remarked that it cer- 
tainly was a great coincidence, for I had carefully 
agreed with myself that I wouldn't take any more. 
Then the little doctor, who was always pleasant, 
insisted that I should eat something. I told him 
that I had agreed with myself not to take any 
more medicine and I classed food — at this junc- 
ture — the same as medicine. 

"I tell you what I do. I massage you." "Good, 
but doctor I have made up my mind to die and be 
buried in Egypt." "Not yet ; I fight a little longer." 
I was then yellow-green, with a shade of black. 
My good friend again appeared on the scene and 
Nettie Belle suggested champagne. At the sound 
of this I turned over and agreed. I drank it 
quick. That was the last medicine I got and I 

64 



am sure it cured me, all due to the thoughtfulness, 
generosity and kindness of my good friends. 

We arrived at Alexandria that night — the 
seventh day. 



65 



ARRIVING IN EGYPT. 

Precisely at 8.30 A. M., January 22, 1912, the 
good ship Schleswig steamed up to the wharf 
at Alexandria, Egypt. The Egyptian physician 
and his numerous aids were examining the pas- 
sengers by holding their hands and looking at 
their tongues. My hand had been held and my 
tongue had been hanging out of my mouth for 
at least three minutes before I was handed my 
certificate, when I discovered Tom had not put 
in an appearance. Nettie Belle was there on time 
but no Tom. I sent my room steward, Max, the 
Caterpillar (we called him the Caterpillar because 
he looked like one), to notify Mr. Felder to hurry 
up. Max returned with the message that Mr. 
Felder was nearly ready. After a few minutes, I 
concluded to go after him as the ship could not 
discharge its passengers until the doctor passed 
all of them. 

I tapped gently at the door of my Lord and 
quietly and gently informed him of the situation, 
adding that the doctor sent his compliments with 
the request that Mr. Felder should present him- 
self at an early date in order that the passen- 
gers might be allowed to land and see something 
of Egypt before the arrival of the next steamer 
on which they expected to return. I will not fully 
write out Mr. Felder's message to the Board of 

66 



Health of Egypt, but the invitation extended to 
the doctor and the whole Egyptian population, 
including Pompey, the Roman, and Cleopatra, the 
Syrian Jewess, but it savored of brimstone and 
blue fire with considerable white heat. I returned 
to my position on the deck and found Max and 
Mrs. Felder holding down the small baggage. In 
a few minutes I noticed Mr. Felder entering the 
dining saloon to interview the Board of Heatlh. 
Just then the gangplank was placed in position 
and about one hundred dark-skinned, dull-eyed 
Egyptians dressed in all colors and labeled "Shep- 
herd's Hotel" and "Cook" came aboard. It 
sounded like a lunatic asylum had broken loose. 
Just then I heard a shrill voice behind me say 
something and in the twinkling of an eye, two 
Cook's and one Shepherd fell upon me, breaking 
my cane in three pieces. I looked up and saw 
Max lying down on my valise and kodak. After 
gathering himself up, I requested him to secure the 
three pieces of my cane, so that I might save the 
silver and ivory mountings. After quiet had been 
restored, I asked Max where Mrs. Felder was. He 
replied, "She is behind you. What was the trouble, 
Mr. Hart?" "Oh, nothing, Max!" Nettie Belle 
simply said "No," that's all ; but neither Cook's or 
Shepherd's bothered us any more that morning. 
Tom concluded we had better try and land, but 
we were penned up until we visited the Custom 

67 



House to pay three dollars a head for the privi- 
lege of getting a landing on Egyptian soil, a sort 
of poll tax. 



68 



EGYPT. 

"Dark as Egypt" has a meaning without ref- 
erence to the black nights of the Nile. The Egyp- 
tians, the Nubians, the Syrians, the Turks, the 
Soudanese, the Africans — bunch them all, and the 
filth, squalor, ignorance, unhandiness and primi- 
tiveness of these people is astounding. To see 
three men sitting in a ten-acre patch trimming the 
grass with pen knives; or see a little boy eight 
years old carrying 110 pounds of dirt on his head; 
or to see sixty grown men work thirty minutes 
to remove one large stone one inch, is a fair ex- 
ample of the manner in which these people try 
and eke out a miserable existence. Some one 
asked the contractor why he didn't get wheelbar- 
rows to haul away the dirt, he replied that he had 
tried it, but that when the barrow was filled two 
of them would lift it up and put it on the other 
fellow's head and he would carry it off. Their 
strength is phenomenal. Any man will carry an 
upright piano with the strap around his head, 
after the piano is hoisted on his back. 

The caravan that follows the tourists to the 
temples or tombs are persistent beggars. Our 
Dragoman orders them off when necessary, but 
orders do not feaze them. Back again they come 
and plead for backsheesh, only to be scattered by 
a volley of oaths from the Dragoman; their per- 

69 



sistence knows no let up; they think the Ameri- 
can tourist is lined with gold and comes to Egypt 
to give it to them. See sir, I only have one arm, 
a foot, a nose, or hand, I need plenty of help. 
You fee them. 

Then they touch their head (I think of you) ; 
touch their lips (I speak of you) ; touch their 
heart (I love you). 

A very beautiful sentiment, but it emanates 
from them to every one who gives them a mill- 
yem (1/10 of a cent). They appear harmless, but 
they are too filthy to handle, too dirty to talk to 
and too ragged to look at. Irrigation is all done 
by hand. They have little or no power in Egypt, 
because they have no fuel. There are no fences 
in Egypt, no roads in Egypt and no woods in 
Egypt, The shepherd of two thousand years ago, 
all dressed in white, has his flocks today just the 
same. The faithful camel plows, draws water, 
travels, is ridden, is raced and finally winds up 
on the griddle. The little donkey does his work 
well until he falls down, if he is pushed too hard. 
Practically all the people are Mohamedans. They 
say five prayers a day; sometimes they say all 
five at one time — standing always facing the East 
and bowing and kneeling and sticking their heads 
into the desert. The children all wear a little 
leather book; there is nothing in it, but it's tb r 
Koran all right. I suppose the piece of leather 

70 



has been blessed and the rest is left to the imag- 
ination. Lord Kitchener, the Sirdar, knows how 
to manage them. So does Sirdar Wingate at 
KJhartoum. I know now what "Dark as Egypt" 
means. 

We visited the Dervish Generals who are on 
parole about two or three miles from Wadi'-Half a ; 
three of them received us pleasantly and accepted 
enough money to purchase some tobacco. These 
people are not beggars and do not care to accept 
presents. They informed us that if we would call 
again the following morning before ten they would 
be glad to see us, but later in the day they had to 
attend a wedding. I was extremely anxious to see 
Osman Digna, the man who kept England in a 
turmoil for sixteen years before he was captured. 
He is now in prison at Wadi'-Halfa. The follow- 
ing letter from the Murdir of Haifa — Governor — 
will explain my failure to see Osman: 



71 



sudan government, 

Halfa Province. 

governor's office. 

Subject: Osman Digna. 

Haifa, February 5, 1912. 

Dear Sir: — I very much regret that I am un- 
able to accede to your request. I am not per- 
mitted to allow any one to visit Osman Digna 
under any circumstances. 

Yours faithfully, 
El Re, 

Ad. Ea. Haifa. 



72 



When Osman was first captured lie was paroled, 
but escaped and went to fighting again. He still 
maintains the same belligerent attitude. It is said 
that his knee pan was removed in early infancy 
and that he is enabled to run and jump like a 
gazelle twenty to thirty feet at a jump. This 
story is told by the Dragoman. 

CAIRO OE KIRO. 

Nearly one million people probably fairly di- 
vided into Turks, Egyptians and Syrians, with a 
sprinkling of English, Germans, Sudanese and 
Nubians. The Museum of Kiro is not second to 
any Museum in the world. Its contents from the 
tombs and temples of Egypt, its treasures from 
the same source, are well worth a lenglhy visit. I 
gave about two hours to it. The room assigned 
for the discovered treasures of Theron M. Davis 
contains great value and this American has been 
very unselfish in donating what he found to the 
Egyptian Government. 

The streets of Kiro present a very pretty pic- 
ture, the inhabitants dressed in colors, some bare- 
headed, some with turbans, some with the fez, 
crowd around the entrance of hotels and restau- 

73 



rants and make walking rather difficult. Their 
persistent appeal for backsheesh or their demand 
to buy beads or scarabs from them, annoys you very 
much, and there seems to be no way to get rid of 
this pest, except by clubbing or screaming at them. 
The arrival of an American shipload of Cook's 
tourists was announced one day during my stay 
at Shepherd's; I waited for the train to arrive to 
see how my countrymen acted. Most of the eighty 
tourists were women and young girls. I noted a 
number of black valises bound with white in the 
office at Shepherd's. I at once took in the situa- 
tion; evidently Cook's promoter had suggested a 
certain size valise and a certain place for the 
tourist to purchase, so they all arrived equipped 
with hand baggage of the same design. A few 
minutes after their arrival, most of the tourists 
could be seen on the porch or lawn in front of 
Shepherd's poking money through the fence and 
purchasing blue heads and scarabs; one woman 
held out a handful of money for the fakir to help 
himself as she was unable to count the piastres. 
These beads and scarabs are probably made in Bir- 
mingham, England, or in Germany, and shipped to 
Kird. The Americans in Egypt are a mark for 
fakirs. The English and German traveller seems 
more experienced. The Citadel and Mosques of 
Kiro are particularly interesting, especially the 
Mosque of Mohammed Aly. This is a modern 

74 



Mosque — original burned in 1803. I entered 
the Mosque after putting on sandals. The crystal 
chandeliers were magnificent and the whole edifice 
imposing. Many Mohammedans were prostrating 
themselves on the floor. I expected to find one of 
the sacred carpets removed from Mecca, but was 
informed that none of the carpets were used in 
any of the Mosques. The carpets removed from 
Mohammed's tomb each year, are hidden some- 
where in Kiro and are not visible to visitors, ex- 
cept at the celebration annually when the last 
carpet may be seen. 

Kiro is a failure from a commercial standpoint, 
except as a distributor. Standard Oil and Ameri- 
can Tobacco are duly represented. Most of the 
larger English fire insurance companies are rep- 
resented, but there isn't very much to insure in 
Egypt, I should imagine. 

PYRAMIDS OF GIZEH. 

KHEOPS OR CHEOPS. 

About eight miles from Kiro, good auto road 
and a good hotel there, so the trip is a pleasant 
one. Kheops is 586 feet sloping side height. Old 
King Kheops built this to live in after he died, 
so that's where it gets its name from. A tall six- 
foot four-inch Bedouin made Tom a proposal to 
climb up the corner, go to the top and return in 
ten minutes for ten shillings. If he failed to make 

75 



the trip in ten minutes, he would make no charge. 
I was timer. He climbed it in five and a quarter 
minutes to the pinnacle, returning in two and a 
quarter minutes; whole time seven and a half 
minutes. I asked this Bedouin how long he ex- 
pected to live taking such chances. He replied: 
"It's my business. My father, before me, made it 
his business, so I take the chance for a livelihood." 
The sphynx is about an eighth of a mile from 
Kheops. Napoleon shot the mouth from the 
sphynx about one hundred years ago. What he 
was shooting cannons around in this neighborhood 
for I don't know, but one of his cannon balls de- 
formed the face of this sphynx. Around this pyra- 
mid fakirs, camels and donkeys hold their sway, 
and Birmingham, Berlin and Chicago beads are 
sold like hot cakes. Evidently the stone of which 
the pyramids are built comes from the Assuan 
quarries and was floated down the Nile. 

SHEPHERD'S, KIRO. 

The best patronized hotel in Egypt. Here you 
have the best orchestra in the world, and the swell 
people of the world, those who can afford to travel, 
are seen here in large numbers; at the same time 
the average American tourist reclining upon its 
cushioned divans and partaking of its sumptuous 
table d'hote. Waiters are plentiful. You only 

76 



have to squint at a postal card and a whole album 
full will find its way to your room, and will be 
duly noted on your bill. A piastre is only five 
cents, but when you see 400 piestres charged for 
room, 650 for two days restaurant, 150 for pos- 
tal cards, 220 for laundry and twenty-five for car- 
riage from and to station, which you did not use, 
you will at once note the character of Shepherd's, 
as well as all of the Egyptian hotels. One serious 
objection to Shepherd's, as well as all other Egyp- 
tian hotels, is lack of sufficient towels, and those 
that are furnished are of the five-cent order. I 
did not have time to inquire into the cause of this 
foolish economy, for it is not in keeping with the 
character of the places as you look at them. But 
Shepherd's gives very good value. Its worth stop- 
ping at if you go to Kiro. You can get most any- 
thing you ask for ; all that's necessary is the price. 
Shepherd's has it. It takes a long time to get the 
Arabs to do your errands and return to you. It 
took me twelve hours to get a trunk out of a 
storage room in the hotel, but I got it all right. 
Shepherd's runs the Mena House at the big pyra- 
mid, also the Ghesirah Palace, but I prefer Shep- 
herd's. The Waldorf of Egypt has as many Pea- 
cock Alleys as the original Waldorf, and as many 
peacocks rest undisturbed in its palatial saloons, 
hallways and lounging rooms as do in its counter- 
part in New York. 

77 



LUXSOR. 

Two hundred miles from Kiro, one full night's 
ride by rail, and you arrive at Luxsor, Egypt. The 
home of the Luxsor and Karnak Temples, the 
avenue of Sphynxs and the road of Rams; nearly 
three miles away in Thebes are the tombs of the 
hundred kings and a sprinkling of queens, in the 
sandy desert at Thebes. We drove these three 
miles in a carriage pulled by two horses and pushed 
by three men through the sand, the wheels of the 
carriage had a flange twenty inches wide, which 
kept them from sinking into the sand. Arriving 
in due course, hot and thirsty, I tried to make 
short work of these tombs, giving about two hours 
to their inspection. I was most interested in the 
tomb of Amenothis II, who had been reclining 
there thirty-eight hundred years, surrounded by 
servants, who were probably buried with him. He 
looked like Francis Wilson blackened up. After 
two hours we sought the Rest House and wel- 
comed a cool breeze and a good luncheon. The 
Rest House is under the management of the Win- 
ter Palace Hotel at Luxsor. In this town and 
opposite the temples, three of the best hotels in 
Egypt are flourishing. 

It has been said and remained uncontradicted 
that there are more spurious antiques sold in Lux- 
sor than in any part of Egypt. The Karnak Tem- 

78 



pies, located about one and one-half miles from 
Luxsor, are possibly the most interesting temples 
in Egypt, with the avenue of Sphynx crossed by 
the road of Rams, the latter road originally run- 
ning across the bed of the Nile to the king's tomb, 
lined on each side with Rams and the avenue of 
Sphynx lined on both sides with Sphynx. Orig- 
inally, these roads were seven or eight miles in 
length. I judge they must have been hundreds of 
years building, according to the slowness of Egyp- 
tian labor at the present time. 

LUXSOR TURF CLUB. 

The Gymkhana races at the Luxsor Turf Club 
attracted our attention one afternoon when return- 
ing from Karnak. They had donkey races, male 
and female, camel races, likewise horse races with- 
out saddles, donkey obstacle races and an animal 
race for visitors. Now, this animal race was the 
feature. A dog, a pig, a duck, a turkey, a calf and 
a hen, each having a rope tied around its respec- 
tive neck and each having a lady of quality as the 
driver, except the turkey, which was driven by a 
man. The calf ran away, the dog caught the pig 
by the ear, the turkey ran the wrong way, while 
the duck waddled in a winner. The whole enter- 
tainment was for charity, so the pools won on the 
races; didn't pay much. 
79 



The Luxsor Turf Club gives races once a week; 
admission $1.00 — 20 piastres. 

KARNAK TEMPLES. 

The Karnak Temples are probably the most 
wonderful in Egypt. Baedeker says they should 
be claimed as one of the wonders of the world. 
When you see the Karnak, it combines about all 
the temples in Egypt. The columns are eighty feet 
high and one hundred and thirty-four in number. 
One window is still preserved as it was when this 
temple was constructed. Rameses II the Great has 
stuck himself all through the temple. He must 
have been a great king of Egypt, because his suc- 
cessors did not disturb him; there must be one 
hundred statues and images of him in Luxsor, 
Karnak and the tombs. History says he slaugh- 
tered his slaves for pastime and then slaughtered 
some more. This fellow has no ashes to say peace 
to. He is a dried-up mummy in the Kiro Museum. 

ASWAN OR ASSOUN. 

The great dam of the Nile is here at the first 
cataract, so is Philae, the pearl of Egypt; also 
some of the best hotels in Egypt. Here the Duke 
of Fife died on his Dahabieh, and here J. P. Mor- 
gan rested after he injured his knee. At this in- 

80 



teresting place Tom concluded to hire a boat and 
a crew of Arabs to visit Philae, and incidentally 
to see the great dam and shoot the rapids to the 
music of the Tom Tom and the singing of the 
crew. After each song, which always ended Hip, 
Hip, Hooray. Thank you ! Thank you ! (Arabs 
always thank you for what they do themselves.) 
The most interesting part of this excursion, which 
lasted several hours, was the tuning of the Tom 
Tom. The tuning process consists in building a 
fire of paper and heating the instruments. When 
it gets good and hot they pound it; it has neither 
rhythm, tone, time or harmony ; it simply resounds 
to the pound of the Arab. But what it is heated 
for I don't know, for it's a devilish instrument, hot 
or cold. It is played with the fists. Most of the 
Arabs on the great dam hire themselves to you 
to jump off into the Nile from frightful heights; 
then they swim after your boat to collect the 
charge. They ask this question : "Shall I jump." 
and then they jump before you can say no, risking 
a collection of piastres. It's mighty good to finish 
these tours, for when you get back to Aswan you 
have a good hotel to rest up. 

HELD UP ON THE DESERT. 

Back of Aswan, about two or three miles, lies 
the large needle that was hewn out of solid rock 

81 



and duly inscribed but never moved. This curi- 
osity is still lying embedded in the sand. On our 
way to this object, we were interfered with by a 
village of Nubian men, women and children. Af- 
ter a warm argument, Tom agreed on a dollar and 
a half to see a mimic fight and then a dance on 
the desert. They performed fairly well. For 
safety an Egyptian policeman mounted followed 
us. I think they follow all travellers on the desert 
to give them protection. I refused to buy any of 
the goods of the women and children, although 
pleasantly importuned to do so. 

These Nubians are like the genuine African, 
black as coal, tall, raw-boned and apparently 
healthy. They were very filthy and the women 
and children unsightly to look at, but still they 
importuned and would catch hold of you if you 
would permit them. Their houses have no roofs, 
nothing but the sky and the sand. Apparently no 
vegetation surrounds them and withal they ap- 
peared to be content and happy. There is always 
a Sheik who generally seems to be superior officer 
who does the trading. 

A DINNER INCIDENT. 



Tom had invited a friend from the Argentine 
to dine with us at the Cataract House and he was 

82 



very particular to give me ample notice that to 
properly present myself, I should at least change 
my collar. The hint was sufficient for me to array 
myself in Rogers & Peet/s best full dress with a 
collar that was threatening to sever my left ear. 

Tom presented himself in Bell's best pattern, 
while Nettie Belle in full Parisian costume caused 
our party to be a little more than noticed by the 
Grand Dukes, Duchesses and Princesses of the 
Cataract. When lo, our guest from Buenos Ayres 
presented himself in yellow shoes, a green shirt, 
a pink necktie, a tweed coat and black trousers. 
Nothing was said. Nothing was done. But we 
crowded him against a pillar in the great Turkish 
dining room between us, with our hostess in full 
view of the assemblage. We remained at table 
until the house was cleared, smoked our cigars 
and drinking our coffee as the lights were being ex- 
tinguished. Before retiring for the night, I said : 
"Where do you suppose he left his clothes, Tom? 
In Buenos Ayres? 

"I wish mine were there. Here I have been 
dressed up like a negro minstrel with my shoes 
pinching me, waiting for your distinguished guest. 
When he appears, we have to hide him. Now, 
if you had let me have my way, I would have 
saved him by being in a like costume. Do they 
have full dress in Buenos Ayres, Tom?" "How 
the do I know? Good night/' 

83 



WADI-HALFA— HALFA— THE SOUDAN. 

Seven days on the Nile from Aswan and re- 
turn makes a splendid trip for the Egyptian tour- 
ist. Cook & Co. own Egypt and the Nile, al- 
though the Hamburg-American Line own a num- 
ber of steamers which run in competition to Cook, 
but Cook has the call, although the Hamburg- 
American accommodations are just as good. I 
understand that soon Cook will own the whole 
river. 

En route from Aswan the boat stops at the va- 
rious temples, tying up at the banks over night 
(as no steamer runs the Nile at night-time). In 
many places the water is very shallow and we often 
rubbed ground on our trip. The longest stop made 
is at the Temple of Abu Simbel, about fifty miles 
from Wadi-Halfa. We tied up about three o'clock 
P. M. and remained until the next morning. At 
Abu Simbel we had the pleasure of meeting Artist 
Newman, a gentleman from Massachusetts, who 
lives in Florence, Italy, and paints Egyptian tem- 
ples and tombs. He remains in Egypt from No- 
vember 1st until he is driven out by the heat in 
March. Mr. Newman invited Tom, Nettie Belle 
and myself on board his Dahabieh, and we had 
the pleasure of seeing some of his work. He sells 
his paintings for from $750 to $8,000 each, and I 
assume they are worth every cent he asks. He 

84 



regaled us with much information regarding the 
tombs of the kings and the temples. He says that 
Germany got permission of the Egyptian Govern- 
ment to take an imprint from the walls of Abu 
Simbel — that they dampened blotting paper, as 
well as the walls and took a perfect impression 
of the coloring, but with this impression they took 
off all the coloring. This was not so bad, because 
the water of the Nile would have destroyed it by 
soaking it. Now Germany has a complete mould 
of the walls of this celebrated temple and can 
easily reproduce it. Mr. Newman has been at 
work twenty-five years in Egypt. When they were 
uncovering Abu Simbel, he was there in his tent 
painting. Amidst the singing of six hundred 
Egyptians and the buzzing of six hundred thous- 
and flies, he must have had a pleasant time. I 
think he ought to charge ten thousand for every 
picture. He don't look like he will last much 
longer. We spent a very pleasant hour with him. 
Arriving at Wadi-Halfa at twelve o'clock noon, 
we struck a very quaint town, peopled with Sou- 
danese and a sprinkling of English. The people 
thrive on themselves, as there seems to be no stores 
like in Luxsor and Aswan for the tourist to trade 
in, besides there is no good hotel at Wadi-Halfa. 
The stores are for native trading; you might get 
a postal or two, or a genuine antique there, but 
nothing modern. The Mudir or Governor of 

85 



Haifa Haifa Province resides here. On another 
page I have referred to this gentleman. 

We remained at Wadi-Halfa one and one-half 
days. Tom desired to extend our trip to Kar- 
toum by rail; to this proposal I objected, as I 
was booked to sail for America on the "Cedric." 
I used every argument to dissuade him, but my 
victory was gained only by an alliance with Nettie 
Belle. After everything was settled as to our re- 
turn, I learned that Tom did not want to go, but 
was simply trying me out. 

Our trip up the Nile — seven days — was on the 
steamer "Thebes" of Cook's service, an excellent 
and well-conducted boat. There were on board 
twenty-one passengers. 

RAMESES II— 18TH DYNASTY. 

I cannot refrain from commenting on the gross 
conceit of this monarch. You do not get out of 
the sounding of this king's name until you get to 
Aswan. He must have been the most conceited 
man of any of the periods of the past five thous- 
and years. 

The Temple of Luxsor and the Karnak Temples 
must have been in course of building hundreds of 
years and yet during the reign of Barneses II he 
erected his image in every hole and corner of the 
Luxsor Temple which must have been his special 

86 



care. Not satisfied with embellishing Luxsor, he 
went to the Karnak Temples, destroying many 
statues of old kings and erected thirty-seven of his 
own images. 

In Thebes, the Collossi (about two miles from 
Luxsor), is Rameses II and all over the desert this 
king advertised himself by his images. 

Now, to cap the climax, Cook has named his 
largest Nile boat "Rameses II." I tell you Rameses 
II must have made Egypt howl. 

THE DESERTS. 

"The air bites shrewdly; 'tis very cold." — 
Bacon's Hamlet, Act. I. 

The Arabian, the Nubian, the Lybrian deserts, 
all look the same to me. The cold chill air 
blows from them at night and in the early morn- 
ing, a sort of a chill air that is cold, a kind of air 
that you do not want to take hold of you, for an 
Egyptian chill generally does great damage to the 
un acclimated traveller. 

Along the banks of the Nile on these deserts, 
there are probably more tombs to be uncovered, 
especially Queen's Tombs, as there are very few 
of them compared to the king's who have been 
discovered. There is nothing particularly attrac- 
tive about these deserts, except the sunrise and 
sunset ; then the colors are beautiful. The natives 

87 



always sing at work, but watching them soon be- 
comes tiresome. Egypt is certainly dark. Let us 
hope that a glimmer of light may creep in. 

THE NILE. 

Not very deep now, a mile or more wide in 
places. The new dam will raise it eighteen feet 
and this rise will cover Philae the beautiful, and 
the Abu Simbel Temple, also the bed of Isis, Tem- 
ple of Horus and Osiris, et al — all gone. There is 
some talk of removing the Temple and Pharaoh's 
bed in order to preserve them. From Kiro to 
Wadi-Halfa by boat requires twenty-three days. 
We took the rail trip to Luxsor and then the seven- 
hour trip by rail from Luxsor to Assuan. After 
remaining four days in Assuan we took the 
steamer "Thebes" for the seven-day trip to Wadi- 
Halfa and return. Most all the natives are a 
mangy lot of sore-eyed, ignorant, dirty, persistent 
beggars, a great many of them only have one eye 
or one ear, or one arm, or one leg. They regard 
the fly as sacred, as they light on their maimed 
parts in flocks there is no attempt to brush them 
off; the same flies have the impudence to light on 
the tourist and fight back if you try and brush 
them off. We got out of Egypt away from the hot 
days and chill nights safely, but many who are 
imprudent are liable to stay there and share the 

88 



tombs of Amenothis II, Setti I, and his great son, 
Rameses II. I am very glad I went to Egypt, but 
I am extremely pleased that I am back. Tom 
says I was afraid to go to Kartoum. I sure was. 

THE DONKEY. 

The donkey of Kiro, Luxsor and Aswan, the 
Arabian desert, is different from the donkey of the 
Soudan. The donkeys of the Arabian desert will 
safely gallop, but the donkey of the Soudan will 
fall if you force him to a run. Why this is was not 
explained to me, but nevertheless it is a fact. The 
little fellow is more than faithful, he is fair, and 
will do his best to carry you but is not strong 
like the mule or horse. He deserves great credit 
for the part he plays in Egypt ; he works for every- 
body in every way, and is second to the camel 
in the benefits he gives to Egypt. The camel 
and donkey are about all Egypt has that is alive 
and are integral parts of its deserts. 

SCARABS. 

Plenty of them are found in Egypt, but it is 
very difficult to secure a genuine one, unless you 
get above Luxsor; there are plenty in Kiro, also 
Luxsor. The native Egyptians will ask you eight, 
ten or twelve shillings; offer them eight, ten or 

89 



twelve piastres. Your offer will be accepted. It's 
possible that you may get a genuine one, but more 
probable that it will be from Birmingham or Ber- 
lin ; they are made to order in those cities by the 
thousands. You may apply the same rule to all 
the bright beads that are offered to you. 

A HYENA HUNT. 

At the earnest solicitation of James, our Drago- 
man, Tom agreed to hie 3 an expert Egyptian 
hunter to hunt hyenas at night in thedesert. The 
hunter was engaged and one fifty was paid to 
purchase cartridges; then donkeys were hired, and 
everything made ready to leave the hotel at 8 P. M. 
After all arrangements were made and at about 
6 P. M., I inquired of Tom as to guns. He re- 
plied that there was only one gun and that was for 
him. I asked him what part I was to play in the 
hunt and he said we were all to take stand 
near each other; that I was to dismount from my 
donkey when they heard the hyena coming; that 
I was to stand right quiet and that when the 
hyena came up and got ready to spring on me 
i***t he was to shoot, and if he missed him, then 
the hunter would rush in with an axe and do the 
hyena up. I asked him how he would see in the 
dark and he said on his last experience in hunt- 
ing hyenas, they could easily be seen by the light 

90 



of their eyes. I asked him where would Drago- 
man James be and he said James would be hold- 
ing his donkey. I then ventured to remark that 
I thought it would be safer for the party if James 
would hold the hyena. He remarked : "Now, old 
man, don't be so foolish ; we are going on this hunt 
to-night, and I have gone to the expense just for 
your entertainment." About this time James an- 
nounced that the donkeys and hyena hunter were 
outside. The piazza was full of Dukes and 
Duchesses waiting to see us off. At this juncture 
1 requested Tom to change the arrangements so 
that I might hold his donkey and let James at- 
tract the hyena. Then Nettie Belle came to my 
relief and it didn't take her more than two minutes 
to fix things up and we all agreed finally that 
James and the hunter should go out and get the 
hyena and bring him to the hotel — dead. I made 
James believe that this was a great honor Mr. 
Felder was bestowing on him, so he went, return- 
ing in about two hours to say that the hyena did 
not roam in the desert that night, but there were 
plenty of wolves howling. Tom told me quietly 
that night that hyena hunting was a great sport 
and that he'd have surely shot him just before he 
jumped at me. The hunter kept all the ammuni- 
tion as pay for his trouble, and James laughed out 
loud. 



91 



EOME. 

Nine hours in an automobile probably carried 
me to as many interesting points in Rome as could 
have been seen in as many days. Guided by Miss 
Marie Josephine Walsh, who by long residence in 
Rome was so familiar with the city and its en- 
virons, that I lacked no detail in the description, 
and needed no Baedeker to consult, I had given my 
professional guide a holiday and was very thankful 
that I let him go, for through Miss Walsh I was 
made to see, know and understand more of Rome 
than I had ever accomplished by my limited read- 
ing. I failed to get to the exact place where Cati- 
line delivered his defiance, but that was probably 
the only thing I missed in the whole city. I am 
sure I went over the Seven Hills and about as far 
out the Appian Way as St. Peter did at the time 
of Nero, when he fled from Rome, changing his 
mind and returning after walking three miles. 

I gave about as much time to St. Paul's Outside 
the Gates as I did to St. Peter's within, and while 
1 would rather have missed St. Paul's than St. 
Peter's, yet I think St. Paul's must be the show- 
iest church in Rome, but why such an edifice was 
built where it is located, and that in 1823, after 
the original church was destroyed, I cannot under- 
stand. However, it's there in all its splendor and 
may not be as grand as St. Peter's, but certainly 

92 



it is more pleasing to the eye. Everybody knows 
that goes or reads about St. Peter's, the Vatican, 
St. John's, the Appian Way, the Coliseum, the 
Catacombs, the Tiber, the Apollo, the Tomb of 
Victor Emanuel and many other interesting 
points, all of which I saw and inspected in so brief 
a space of time as nine hours, so I will pass them 
up. There are two hundred churches in Rome 
fully equipped that do not hold service but once 
a year; the other two hundred do the work. The 
Grand Hotel in Rome caters to the elite ; however, 
it is not so expensive as Shepherd's in Kiro, Savoy 
in London, Hotel de France de Angleterne at Fon- 
tainbleu, or the Astoria or Ritz in Paris, yet the 
satisfaction it gives its guests and its service is 
equal to any hotel anywhere. Their ballroom pre- 
sented on Friday night, January 16, 1912, an 
appearance more than equaling the Savoy in Lon- 
don. In fact, I never saw a better gowned assem- 
bly of men and wmoen than those who attended this 
hop. I did not encounter any beggars in Rome, 
like I did in Paris, Naples and Egypt. It may 
have been that I was not in their wake that day, 
but all the same I did not see any. The short 
visit to the American college and introduction to 
Bishop Kennedy was very pleasant, and had I re- 
mained over I would have had the pleasure of at- 
tending one of the audiences of the Holy Father. 
Of course, I regret this very much, but my good 

93 



ship Cedric was ready to carry me safely back to 
America, my quarters were secured, so I don't 
think the combined introductions or interviews 
with George IV and William of Germany would 
have stopped me. I saw what I saw in Kome, 
and I heard what I heard in Eome, so I was more 
than repaid for the trip. I like it for its cleanli- 
ness ; I like it for its holiness, and I like it for its 
antiquities and next time I will have time to go 
over it slowly I hope. 



94 



NAPLES. 

Don't go there unless you have to pass through 
it to get to Rome. Egypt is a jewel to Naples. 
You have little protection from the police and 
very little authority seems to be exercised by any 
functionary. Insults are offered you and there is 
nothing to do but to accept them. Counterfeit 
money flies around and is liable to reach your 
pocket every time you change a bill. The boatman 
who rows you from the steamer won't land you 
until you pay him double the contract fare. The 
cabman will drive you to the wrong place and 
the vendor will insult you if you refuse to buy 
his wares. If you go to Pompeii, get your own 
guide, one only who has been recommended to 
you as safe. 

Naples is different from Rome, or Northern 
Italy; it's a place to itself, a little kin to Messina 
and very chummy with Sicily. The town is suf- 
fering much from lack of patronage at present. 
I rode through Pompeii in a sedan chair ; too hilly 
to walk comfortably. My guide gave me all the 
real lecture in good tone, well rounded up. I can't 
remember all he said, but I was there all right, 
and saw all the ruins and meditated very much 
over the scenes I did see, as well as the sights 
I saw. Pompeii was intentionally buried once, all 
covered up with brimstone and lava, and 40,000 
people buried, buried to stay for good. If Naples 
don't look out, maybe history will repeat itself. 

95 



NETTIE BELLE. 

In all of the trips during my stay in Paris, 1 
was accompanied by my good hostess, Nettie Belle 
Felder (Mr. Felder was under the physician's care 
on account of an attack of la grippe). She must 
have been worn out with so much running around 
in addition to her daily tasks, but if she was she 
never once showed it. At times I would notice a 
twinkle in her eye and a knowing look, but I 
would tell her a joke that she had never heard and 
then she would have a real laugh. I bought what- 
ever I wanted quickly, and that I know pleased 
her, but every morning at ten-thirty or eleven she 
was ready to go anywhere suggested. A minute 
and a half in the Cluny was drawing things a lit- 
tle fine and she intimated that possibly five or 
ten minutes would give me a better idea of what I 
saw, but I was in a hurry, so I kept her very busy 
keeping up with me. She never once got tired, 
never was late and was always ready. It was the 
same in KHro or Luxsor or Aswan, or Haifa, on 
the desert in the Soudan; she was as lively as in 
the Bon Marche, Paris. At the tomb of Ameno- 
phis II, or Eameses the Great, the Karnak Tem- 
ples or at Abu Simbel, Nettie Belle was on time 
and generally at the head of the procession. She 
didn't say much, or interrupt the Turkish narra- 
tor with foolish questions taken from Baedeker's 

96 



Guide. If a fake string of beads or a Birming- 
ham scarab was offered her, she gave a glance at 
them only, and the Arab fakir generally passed 
her critical eye by and looked for easier material 
for his impositions. Only once did she overtax 
herself. Nine hours in the Egyptian sun trying 
to view the second cataract from an eminence was 
too much for her, but after twenty-four hours' 
rest, she was ready for the next temple. I think 
she missed Esna, but this was only a five-cent tem- 
ple, and I guess she knew it wasn't worth ten 
minutes' walk, but it was the only one in Egypt 
she did not view. I left her at Helouin, near 
Kiro, enjoying a good rest, Tom squaring himself 
for the sulphur baths he intended to try, both in 
good health and good spirits, and now they are 
safely back in their beautiful home in Paris. 



97 



TOM. 

A little touch of la grippe beginning about De- 
cember 12, 1911, was the basis of our Egyptian 
trip. If Tom hadn't caught the grippe, I wouldn't 
have been able to hang on to a donkey's tail in 
Egypt, as I had planned to go to London, Liver- 
pool, the Isle of Man and Belfast; all these points 
were cut out as Egypt has the sun, there the grippe 
cannot live. So Tom fell in love with Egypt, and 
before he left it, I am sure Egypt was in love with 
Tom. He became interested from the time the 
Egyptians charged us three dollars each to land 
at Alexandria until he paid an added ten per cent. 
charge to the Hotel for the laundry as he was leav- 
ing Kiro. Up for breakfast, seeing everything, 
reading everything, finding out everything, until 
he struck the tomb of Settil, father of Eameses II. 
When he emerged from this dungeon his panting 
indicated to me that the inside of the tomb must 
have been of great depth and heat and when he 
said, "Old man, I'm nearly dead," I replied, "Did 
you see him, Tom?" "Who?" "Why, Setti I, 
father of Eameses the Great." "I saw nothing — 

and if I ever go down in one of those 

things again, I hope some one will kick me." 
"Why, I told you not to go and you made me look 
like two cents, and you talked about pearls and 
swine and here you come back with — Baedeker in 

98 



your hand, swearing vengeance against all these 
tombs. Now you are going down in the next one, 
because Amenothis II is lying in state and we 
must see him. He is the only 3800-year-old king 
in Egypt lying in his tomb, so come on/' He 
made an effort and so we went to the bier of 
Amenothis II, and there the old reprobate lay 
in all his majesty. When we emerged from this 
tomb, we visited a few of the queens and then 
lighted on the porch of the Rest House for lunch- 
eon and it was a good one. All through Egypt 
Tom led the way, except to the second cataract of 
the Nile; we both slept that morning and let 
everybody on the boat go on this nine-hour trip. 
After a brief stay at Wada'-Halfa, Tom took a 
notion to go to Khartoum. I objected, kicked, 
bucked and yelled. Tom said : "We will go." Just 
then I spied a notice on the station which said: 
"The train for Khartoum will stop at Abdul 
Hamid, in order to allow the passengers to take 
a bath." I read this notice to him and then said : 
"Maybe this will hold you for a while." "It sure 
will and I guess we will turn back/' And the 
very next day we turned our faces toward As- 
souan, then Luxsor, then Kiro, all happy and 
contented. I left him at Helouin, all grippe had 
disappeared and he was in good fettle, improved in 
health, feeling that the whole trip had benefited 
everybody in body and in mind, storing up an 

99 



experience that can only be acquired by actual 
contact, lasting, beneficial and profitable — some- 
thing which you have and that no one can take 
away from you. Tom has got it, and from the 
unusual studious way he devoured all the guides 
and quizzed all the Dragomen, I am sure he will 
retain it, and be able to give all details to enquir- 
ing friends. I had much difficulty in persuading 
him to leave the Karnak Temples, the one hun- 
dred and thirty-four columns in Ammon seemed to 
hold him; he would sit down at the foot of Ram- 
eses the Great (you couldn't sit anywhere else in 
that temple) by the hour and discourse on the 
Eighteenth Dynasty. I'd sing out "Sixteenth, 
Tom," and when he found that Baedeker said 
eighteenth, I'd hide behind Eameses to escape the 
missile. Any man that can master all the tem- 
ples of Karnak and all about Egyptian Dynasties, 
and do it in one trip is real clever. Tom did it 
and that's Tom. 



100 



HON. ALEXANDER M. CARLISLE, P. C. 

Entered the ship-building firm of Harland & 
Wolf as a boy, receiving a wage of two dollars a 
week; left this firm in the year 1910. At the time 
of his retirement from the firm he received from 
it, if not the largest salary, a salary probably equal 
to any paid in England. Mr. Carlisle has built 
fifty-nine ocean liners, his last and crowning ef- 
fort being the "Olympic"; all of the White Star 
liners were constructed by him, as well as the 
America of the Hamburg-American Line. He is 
principally a humanitarian with socialistic ten- 
dencies. He cares nothing for money, except for 
its ordinary uses and the aid that it may give to 
others who are deserving. In looks he is the coun- 
terpart of the late King Edward. If you should 
see a man on the Strand or Regent Street, bare- 
headed, its Carlisle. He never wears a hat if he 
can help it. He likes a good joke, and can tell 
one whenever necessary. He lacks the faculty 
of remembering names, and it wouldn't surprise 
me if he would forget his own some time. He is 
prompt in his engagements; don't drink or 
smoke, but permits and enjoys the habit in 
others if they are reasonably temperate; he 
is a good man to know and be with. When- 
ever he goes on a voyage he always writes 
the purser a letter stating that should he die, 



101 



it is his desire to be buried at sea. Some 
time ago he wrote some of the railroads leaving 
Belfast, asking them how much it would cost to 
convey a corpse from Belfast to London, two of 
the roads replied, one of them giving a tariff to 
Southampton, saying from there the corpse would 
have to pay extra to get to London. But one of 
the roads, instead of writing sent a dead wagon 
to his house for the corpse, thinking, of course, 
the body was there. He was trying to get this de- 
tail so that his family would have it. He has left 
Belfast and will reside in London, a city corre- 
sponding with his abilities and his ambitions. He 
is of the people and for them, believing that in 
them rests the hope of the kingdom, and by their 
good conduct and prosperity only can any govern- 
ment be supreme. As I have said before, he is a 
good man to know, a good friend and a jolly com- 
panion. 



102 



AUGUSTUS B. EDDY. 

(By Permission) 

A gentleman and an artist, see Villa Michel 
Ange, No. 11 Rue des Sablons. Mr. Eddy is ex- 
actly the writer's age. I could tell that as soon 
as I saw him. He has been an active artist for 
three or four years. He will have to be dead ten 
years before any of his colors will be admitted 
into the Louvre. Mr. Eddy is not selling any of 
his works. I was extremely pleased to have the 
pleasure of dining with him at No. 55 Avenue du 
Bois, and afterwards to remain with him in a 
round of Paris by night. We were accompanied 
by the Toms, Tom Felder and Tom Keck. These 
young men got tired early and begged us piti- 
fully to take them home, but we kept them going 
from place to place until we had exhausted the 
street. I forgot what Rue it was. Mr. Eddy is 
a delightful conversationalist, and a good com- 
panion; he paints for the pleasure it gives him. 
He is a first-class judge of everything, knows 
Paris as it should be known ; has lived there some 
years and expects to live there many more; is a 
genuine thoroughbred American; keeps his studio 
up-to-date; is a good judge of a prize fight, like- 
wise a connoiseur of the horse; is up-to-date in 
every sense of the word. I am truly glad I met 
him and possibly may run in on him soon again. 
103 



I wish he would sell some of his pictures to some 
one he don't know ; this is a requirement for mem- 
bership in many clubs. I'd buy one to make him 
eligible. 

ACHMED. 

The Dragoman of the steamer "Thebes" ex- 
plained the whole of Egypt to us every day on 
the boat and on the desert in the temples and 
tombs, and out of them. Achmed has a good face 
and is extremely communicative. Some of his 
dates got mixed, but he would never admit it; to 
contradict or argue with him would excite him 
and then his countenance would become cloudy, 
but generally he was a very smooth proposition, 
and he knew his business. He had antiques for 
sale, and they were genuine; also postal cards. 
He is a very good man for the place. He awoke 
the whole boat one morning at 3 A. M. to get a 
view of the Southern Cross. I refused to get up, 
as I didn't think much of this constellation of 
stars, having once had a glimpse of it in Jamaica. 
Achmed, I think, was a little put out by my lack 
of curiosity to see everything. 

CUKATE GREENSIDE. 

At the Cataract Hotel, Aswan, Egypt, Curate 
Greenside, the local Episcopal minister seemed 

104 



to live; the curate usually made himself quite 
busy, his business did not seem to take on the 
garb of joy fulness, yet he seemed to move around 
among people like a human being. One evening 
he approached our table and requested the privi- 
lege of helping himself to a match; we assented, 
when lo and behold, he moved the whole match box 
to his table; this seems a trifle, yet it marked 
the selfishness of the curate. I saw it stamped on 
his face; now I see it in due form. Surely there 
are only two classes of people, even among 
preachers. I guess the curate must get his ser- 
mons in the same way that he gets his matches. 

SOME TRICKS. 

On my second trip to the Karnak Temples I 
got separated from my companions. After a few 
minutes' rest, I concluded to enter alone. A tall 
Nubian, six feet six inches, followed me at a re- 
spectful distance. After getting tired I turned 
to retrace my steps when my Nubian friend 
pointed that I should go to the right and go out 
at that gate. Without thinking, I leisurely fol- 
lowed him and when I was let out, I found I was 
a quarter of a mile from my carriage; the smile 
on his face spoke of expected favors. When the 
carriage arrived, instead of a tip, I put my fingers 
to my nose, letting him know I was on to his 

105 



tricks of keeping me from going back where I 
came from. 

At Fountainbleau I gave a waiter a five-franc 
piece to change. Soon he returned to me and said 
in the most suave manner: "Monsieur, I am very 
sorry to inform you that this is not a good piece 
of money, as it is a Spanish piece and only worth 
forty cents." I replied that I had received it 
from the Government of France — the R. R. Co. — 
and that they did not give out counterfeit money. 
"Sometimes they do, sir, to strangers." The ras- 
cal had substituted this piece for my good franc 
piece. 

A beggar approached me on the boulevard, and 
to get rid of him I gave him a bright Lincoln 
penny; he bowed low, called me "My Lord" and 
started down the street with a rush. He thought 
he had a Louis. I am glad I was not around when 
he found out its value. 

CUSTOMS HOUSES. 

I was advised by some passengers on the 
Kaiserin Auguste Victoria, not to try and take 
any matches, whiskey or tobacco into France. The 
duties were excessive. I had two bottles of very 
fine whiskey and a pound of very choice smoking 
tobacco. On my arrival at Cherbourg, I gathered 
the whiskey and tobacco in my arms and laid it 

106 



before the Customs officer ; he took it to the Chief 
Inspector who looked at me very peculiarly; then 
the officer came back to me and handed the 
whiskey and tobacco to me, at the same time mark- 
ing my baggage "passed" without opening it and 
waiving me off with a polite bow; no charge. In 
Italy, Egypt and England the same, and I may 
say also in the United States I was treated with 
every consideration by Custom House officers and 
the duties charged me were reasonable. I made 
declaration of everything and few of my packages 
were disturbed. In Italy and France the local 
customs between city and county must be dis- 
agreeable. You cannot bring a bunch of grapes 
into Eome from the rural section without paying 
duty. In France your gasoline in the auto is 
measured as you go out, and if any is purchased 
in the country, a duty is charged by the Govern- 
ment upon your return to the city line. I had ex- 
tremely fair treatment by all Customs officers of 
the various countries I passed through, which 
made my entry into France especially pleasant 
and offset the horrible way of landing at Cher- 
bourg. My word was taken without any search 
in France, England, Italy and Egypt and lastly 
in America. My original packages were not dis- 
turbed in any way. 



107 



DUCKS. 

"Now I will digest the Venom of my spleen." 

— Bacon. 

I was particular to eat at least one duck in each 
country, England, France, Italy and Egypt, be- 
sides partaking of the fowl upon the various first 
class steamships upon which it was my good for- 
tune to travel. I include dining car service under 
the head of steamships. In every case I found the 
duck well cooked, browned to a turn, just like my 
mother used to have them cooked. Now there is 
a certain Club in New York in which the mem- 
bers pride themselves upon their knowledge of 
cookery; recently a number of ducks were pre- 
sented to the Club, and I was requested to have 
them properly prepared, the blood to follow the 
knife. I requested the Chef to cook one of the 
ducks to a turn, leaving the remainder to be 
warmed through. At the dinner I was made the 
"butt end" of the conversation and sarcastically 
addressed as to the manner of cooking the duck 
that I preferred. I feel now that I am largely in 
the majority, and I desire to state here that I 
think the eating of a raw duck with the blood 
streaming out of it partakes of cannibalism and 
should be prohibited by law, from a sanitary stand- 
point. That the eating of a duck bloodraw, en- 

108 



dangers health, and if it should prove to be a 
sick duck, the lack of proper cooking would be seri- 
ous. This applies to wild ducks and tame ducks, 
red head or canvas back, and this is notice to said 
Club heretofore referred to, that all ducks here- 
after should be cooked brown unless examined by 
an expert, provided any member desires to drink 
blood, which is unsanitary and insanitary. 

FOOD. 



The excellent services and cuisine, both on the 
Hamburg-American Line, as well as the White 
Star Line, are beyond criticism. This may also be 
said of the hotels in England, France, Egypt and 
Italy, not forgetting the steamboat accommoda- 
tions on the Nile. 

Cook & Son practically control Egypt and the 
Nile, but the Hamburg boats on the Nile are 
equally as good, though they lack the patronage 
necessary to sustain so great an expense as is in- 
curred by the large steamboat service. Vegetables 
of all kinds raised in Egypt are said to be un- 
healthy, probably on account of the waters of the 
Nile used in irrigation ; it does not make as good 
fruit as rain. Some oranges in Egypt are equal 
in sweetness to our Florida oranges, however. 

109 



THE "CEDRIC." 



TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND TONNAGE, SEVEN HUN- 
DRED FEET OVER ALL^ SPEED EIGHTEEN 
KNOTS. 



She sailed out of Alexandria promptly on time 
at 1 P. M., February 12, 1912, with sixty-five 
first cabin passengers, fifty-three of them bound 
for Naples, twelve homeward bound for America; 
three days' uneventful trip to Naples, with pleas- 
ant weather; a stop of three days at Naples, then 
with forty-nine newcomers we sailed for New 
York. Sixty-one in all in the first cabin. 

On my arrival on board ship, I was accorded 
the seat of honor at the Captain's right hand. Af- 
ter leaving Naples three days later I found upon 
entering the dining saloon, my seat occupied by 
a gentleman in full naval uniform. I soon took 
in the situation, when the steward seated me in 
No. 2, removing two a peg downward and so on 
down the line. The Royal Italian Commissioner, 
Captain Dr. Ettore Curti had to accompany the 
ship to New York because there were nine hun- 
dred of his fellow-citizens in the steerage. In 
such cases the Italian Government requires that 
its representative shall be accorded not only the 
seat of honor at the table, but also that he shall 
be recognized as the representative of Italy, and 

110 



that no one on the ship, passenger or officer, shall 
take precedence over him. 

The seat of honor on a ship should at least be 
filled by a Commodore or Admiral, because you 
must always be on parade. 

My shirt collar was scratching my left ear every 
time I would turn my head. My white vest would 
eternally pull away from my waist and show my 
suspenders, and the contortions that I would go 
through at dinner time in order to keep my 
clothes in their right position, made me feel that 
I would like to have had the Italian Commis- 
sioner's wife with him, so that I could get a few 
pegs lower; besides etiquette required me to re- 
main at table as long as the Captain did and to 
tell as many stories, so between the waits, trying 
to entertain the Commissioner and at the same 
time to keep all my clothes on, I was really a suf- 
ferer by the honors heaped upon me. Again for 
the first few days all the passengers wanted to 
know who I was, and what rank I held. Whoever 
told the Captain to give me such prominence I 
know not. However, I stood the racket for thir- 
teen days, when No. 3 came to the table in a red 
shirt and green tie apologizing to the Captain, 
saying he was out of white shirts and there was 
no laundry on board. I took the hint quickly and 
then and there declared that I had on my last one 
and had worn it three days. This let me out of 
ill 



the dress suit and for the next few days, I was at 
peace with all the world at dinner time. 

Among the passengers we had the English Major 
from India, the English lady from Arkansas, the 
Duchess from Detroit, the Frenchman from 
Australia, the Louisiana Planter from Philadel- 
phia, the Female Anarchist from New York 
and Mazeppa and her sister from Massa- 
chusetts, a jolly crowd, all ready for a 
frolic, a song or a dance. Amidst this tran- 
quility and peacefulness, a bomb shell was thrown 
into the camp. On Washington's birthday, 22nd 
of February, 1912, The Duchess approached 
me and requested a quiet game of crib. I as- 
sented. After the cards were dealt, she held them 
to her face and whispered to me that she wished 
to make a confidential communication, when with- 
out ceremony, she advised me that the gentleman 
who was seated at my back at the Purser's table 
and next to her, had a violent case of smallpox, 
but I was to keep the secret. She further said 
he only partook of one meal after leaving Naples 
on the 17th. I agreed to keep the secret, not know- 
ing what else to do with it. That evening there 
was a notice placed in front of the inquiry office 
for all passengers to call on the Purser; a few 
minutes later this notice was supplanted with a 
second notice saying, "A suspicious case has 
developed and all passengers may call on 

112 



the doctor and be vaccinated." A suspicious case 
meant a full grown case of smallpox among the 
first cabin passengers. I adjourned to the smok- 
ing room and there found the Frenchman and the 
Planter, who called me to join them. Just aboui 
this time, a red-faced Colonel arose from the cor- 
ner and delivered himself as follows : ''Gentlemen, 
a great outrage has been perpetrated upon us this 
morning; we passed within one mile of Gibraltar 
and it was the duty of the officers of this ship to 
stop and put the smallpox man in quarantine. In- 
ternational quarantine laws require this." Just 
then the Indian Major appeared and said it was 
necessary for the majority that the smallpox man 
be thrown into the sea. That in India they never 
let the majority suffer at the expense of the minor- 
ity. At this juncture the Frenchman said that 
could not be done, that it would not be humane, 
that International quarantine required us all to 
remain twenty-one days on the island, that In- 
ternational quarantine would not allow small pox 
to be put off anywhere, so the Captain of the 
"Cedric" was quite right in not stopping at Gibral- 
tar, because International quarantine would not 
let him, that Australia had International quaran- 
tine and he was well posted as to its workings. 
This brought up quite a spirited argument be- 
tween the red-faced Colonel and Frenchy; they 
both appealed to me and the Philadelphia Planter. 

113 



As I had never heard of any such thing as Inter- 
national quarantine, I declined to decide this dis- 
pute and suggested that they fight it out among 
themselves. 

SMOKING ROOM INCIDENT. 
(CEDRIC) 

The first day out I found a very interesting ac- 
quaintance in a Louisiana Planter, who in turn 
gave me an introduction to a very gentlemanly 
Frenchman, who had resided in Sydney, Australia, 
for thirty years. We soon became fast friends and 
for about three days and nights entertained each 
other discussing various experiences in Egypt, 
France and England, and occasionally the French- 
man would entertain us with his Australian experi- 
ences, while the Louisianian would explain the 
negro problem and also tell us of his experience 
with Mr. Roosevelt while the latter hunted for 
bear on his plantation. 

About the fourth night out, there seemed to 
be fewer stories circulating, when some one of the 
party mentioned the blowing up of the Maine, say- 
ing he was very well satisfied that it had been 
blown up from the inside. I took exception to 
this statement and backed up the Louisianian, we 
settled the question and quieted the Frenchman. 
The next subject tbrought forth was, whether 

114 



Peary or Cook discovered the pole. Iwas up 
against it, as both the Frenchman and the Louisi- 
anian insisted that Peary was afraid to take a 
white man with him on this "last dash" and got 
an ignorant negro to follow him. Then the 
Frenchman said he had a great regard for Cook 
and his work, and by this time I was very "hot 
under the collar" and shouted for some Munich 
beer, but I held myself down and finally after a 
quiet lull, the Frenchman brought up French his- 
tory ; said Victor Hugo never wrote anything about 
French history. I asked him if he had ever 
read "The History of a Crime." He said, "No; 
what is it about?" I said, "The French Revolu- 
tion." "Which Revolution?" By this time old 
Louisianian had woke up and made the astound- 
ing statement that I was absolutely wrong in my 
premises, that Victor Hugo never wrote any such 
book; that I was mixing Hugo with Eugene Sue, 
and that I should not try and argue French his- 
tory with a Frenchman who had "eaten up" French 
history as a pastime for over fifty years. Cigars 
were then ordered and the steward announced that 
the lights would go out in half an hour. This was 
welcome news to me, as I felt that many more 
jars like that of the past two hours would at least 
tend to dampen my faith in humanity. When the 
Louisianian began to applaud the English for their 
splendid work in Egypt and especially Lord Kitch- 

115 



ener, we all accorded with him in this sentiment. 
Then I was dumfounded to hear him state that 
Admiral Davis should have been disciplined and 
reduced to the ranks for landing an armed force 
and taking possession of Jamaica a few days after 
the quake, I having been there a few days after 
the incident referred to and knowing how kindly 
the people of the island felt toward Admiral Davis 
and also knowing that Governor General Sweaten- 
ham of Jamaica had been relieved of the Governor- 
ship and supplanted by 01ivair ? principally because 
the citizens of Jamaica demanded that he quit. 
In explaining or trying to explain the situation 
to my friends, they both insisted they had read the 
Australian papers and New York Journal on the 
subject and that I knew nothing about it. Then 
I got up. I arose and delivered myself of all the 
pent-up, bottled-up disgust that had choked me 
for two hours and thirty minutes. I addressed 
them both as a couple of Fireside Generals, who 
were absolutely so ignorant of any fact that it was 
a wonder to me that either of them ever got on 
the ship or found out where it landed, for their 
eyes were blinded and their tongues were trussed; 
that the Dervishes and Nubians of Egypt must 
have succeeded in transferring some of their deep 
ignorance into their skulls; that I didn't believe 
that the Frenchman ever saw Australia, and that 
I knew the Louisianian never saw a bale of cotton. 



Then I yelled "Imshi" at them and they had been 
in Egypt long enough to know what that meant. 
This created a laugh all around. We shook hands. 
We bade each other good night. The Louisianian 
slapped me on the shoulder and said, "You're a 
good one/' and we met the next morning and en- 
joyed the day, laughing over the incidents of the 
night before. 



117 



ENGLAND, FRANCE, ITALY, EGYPT. 
AMERICA. 

"I will fight with him, upon theme until my 
eyelids will no longer wag." — Bacon-Hamlet. 

England is prosperous because it enforces its 
laws, and does not have too many of them. France 
is thriving because its yeomanry have the oppor- 
tunity given to them by their Government of mak- 
ing safe and profitable investments. 

Should England get into a war with some first 
class power, India would turn on her and so would 
Egypt. Soon the French Government will change 
unless graft stops — so there you are. 

Italy is not prosperous because its people want 
to leave it and its laws are not obeyed. Egypt is 
slumbering because it has no force, no power, no 
sense, no citizens that can govern properly. The 
little it has comes from the suzerainty of England. 

America is losing its prosperity because it has 
too many laws, too much conflict of laws, too many 
absorptions, and no great debt to feed the thrifty 
laborer. Abrogate the tariff, and replace the rev- 
enue by a graded income tax, build roads, Govern- 
ment houses, capitals, improve the water ways and 
open up all the coal fields. Spend money like 
water to create a National debt, issuing bonds to 
the people in small denominations, preventing 

118 



trusts or combinations from getting any of them, 
collect the interest from a heavily graded income 
tax, then living will be cheaper and prosperity will 
abound. Permit the rich to get richer by the 
power of their money and the whole expense of our 
Government will be absorbed by our rich men. 
For there can be no greater circulation than the 
expenditure of our Government. The money ap- 
propriated for an object in a state, the Govern- 
ment bonds issued to produce the object should 
be disposed of to the citizens of the state that 
receives the improvement, the interest should be 
equal or adequate to any reasonable safe invest- 
ment and assumed in such a maner by our Govern- 
ment and paid by it in such a way as might work 
a hardship for the real speculator to get hold of it. 
The many objections to wiping out the tariff on 
account of business disruption, labor troubles and 
financial panics, may be very true, but we can 
afford to go through just such a period as is pre- 
dicted, in order that the foundations of our Gov- 
ernment may be permanently strengthened. 

A pot boiling over at home and abroad, and 
there are very few wise men with clean hands in 
our house to-day to put us in the right path. If 
we have a Government by the people, then it 
should be for the people. If the Government is 

our parent, at present it is taking d poor care 

of its children. 

119 



WHAT I FOUND OUT. 

That a ship can easily be built fifteen hundred 
or two thousand feet in length, provided there is 
water and dock room. 

That water is used as a force to build ships. 

That there are no rocking chairs sold or offered 
for sale in France. 

That there is now no Latin quarter in Paris. 

That the Bois de Boulogne has two thousand, 
two hundred and fifty acres. About three times 
as large as Central Park. 

That the Arc de Triomphe is no thoroughfare. 

That you can obtain a permit if you have a pull, 
to stop your conveyance anywhere on the streets 
of Paris, and remain in the way of traffic as long 
as you please. 

That you are permitted by the law of France to 
strike a horse three times within one block. 

That horse and mule markets advertise and sell 
horse and mule meat in Paris. 

That you cannot throw paper on the streets of 
Paris without being subject to a fine. 

That the French Government held the porphyry 
nrn of Napoleon (a gift of the Czar of Eussia) for 
duty, and held it for months, until the duty was 
paid. 

That you must not convey sugar into Germany, 

120 



salt into Italy or matches into France. So if you 
want to avoid trouble, don't try to. 

That the hotel at Heliopolis, Egypt, is said 
to be as fine, if not finer, than any hotel in the 
world. The brass work was made in Damascus, 
while the glass work is copied from the mosques. 

That the hotels of Egypt have a rule that you 
must notify them twenty-four hours before your 
departure, otherwise they will charge you for 
twenty-four hours after your departure, or a day 
extra. Cook has a rule that ticket offices close 
five minutes before the boat leaves; if you desire 
to purchase a ticket on the boat, you must pay 
an additional charge of fifty per cent. 

That Lord Kitchener is the civil representative 
of England in Egypt; that he wears no military 
uniform. 

That Kiro has nearly a million people — a mix- 
ture of races that may blend or may break at any 
time, especially if Kitchener leaves. There are 
no fences, no roads, no coal, no timber in Egypt 
and no bridges that I could see, except railroad 
bridges. The only carriage that ever came to 
Wadi-Halifa is in the shape of a jaunting car and 
only arrived in Wadi-Halfa in 1912. 

That Luxsor sells many counterfeit antiques — 
if they get a chance. 

That the road of Rams, now under the waters 
of the Nile that used to reach the tomb of the one 

121 



hundred kings, was a road when there was no Nile 
there. Query? Where was the Nile? No one 
seems to know much about Pompey's Pillar at 
Alexandria, except by guess. 

That Marc Anthony was not much of a friend 
to Julius Caesar, but if he was a friend of Julius 
Caesar, there certainly must have been some un- 
derstanding between them about Cleopatra. Of 
course, Julius Caesar was unable to get out of 
Eome after leaving Cleopatra in Egypt, but 
during the time that he was kept in Eome, prior 
to his death, he must have had many conferences 
with his friend, Marc Anthony, and evidently re- 
galed Marc with his Egyptian conquest. After 
his death Marc Anthony made a bee-line for Egypt 
and swiped Cleopatra and brought her to Eome. 
I wonder if he aided Cleopatra in emptying the 
Egyptian treasury? 

That Cleopatra was a Syrian Jewess, placed on 
the Egyptian throne by Greece; that she stole all 
the treasure of Egypt and eloped with Marc An- 
thony to Borne. 

That the chickens served on any table in any 
foreign land are superior to any chicken we get 
in New York. Note : No cold storage in England, 
France, Italy or Egypt. 

That as a rule the scarab is a fraud and counter- 
feit as sold in the stores of Luxsor and Kiro, 
Egypt. 

122 



That no act, lasting over thirty minutes, is al- 
lowed in any music hall in London. If this period 
of time is exceeded, a heavy fine is imposed. 

That salt does not taste like salt in Egypt. 

That Egyptian children, and sometimes women, 
have rings in their noses, or embedded in their 
cheek a piece of metal tacked on to their flesh 
somewhere, generally in the face. 

That smallpox is endemic in Egypt. 

That Germans own and run the principal hotels 
of Egypt, and that they manage them well. 

That England derives no revenue from Egypt 
other than the support and maintenance of its 
army of officers and men employed in Egypt. 

That cotton in Egypt is sold baled with the seed. 

That many, many republicans in France desire 
a monarchy. 

That at the principal railroads stations in Eng- 
land the clocks are set five minutes ahead of time. 

That the Duke of Wellington is not in West- 
minster Abbey, and that Alexander Dumas is not 
in the Pantheon in Paris. 

That the face on the English gold pieces of the 
king or queen is reversed after the death of a 
monarch; Edward VII faced to the right; George 
IV faces to the left of Queen Victoria, who faced 
to the left and George III must have faced to 
the right. 

128 



That there are as many or more English mon- 
archs buried in France as in England. 

That Cook of London brought the supplies for 
the relief of Khartoum and would have probably 
got to the relief of Chinese Gordon had he been 
called upon by England to do so. 

That beggars are permitted to beg on fete days 
and during the holidays in Paris. 

That a large number of little boys guarded the 
Arc de Triomphe and waved the Germans aside, 
refusing to let the army go through the Arc, the 
German general recognizing the sentiment that 
prompted the boys. This is a beautiful little 
story — I didn't meet any of the boys. 

That it's dangerous to walk or ride in the Bois 
de Boulogne at night, as the Apache will try and 
rob or murder you if he sees a chance. Several 
murders occurred during my stay in Paris. 

That the landing of passengers from the Ger- 
man steamships at Cherbourg is a disgrace to 
France. 

That the boats from Calais to Dover or from 
Boulogne to Folkstone are very inferior in accom- 
modations for a two or three-hour trip. 

That the English Channel is rotten, or was 
every time I crossed it. 

That Egypt has no future for its people; no 
scientists to cure them of their many afflictions; 
no teachers that can ever bring them to personal 
124 



prosperity. Education won't benefit their coun- 
try, because it will destroy their laborers, and 
without five-cent labor for a daily wage, no work 
can be obtained for the lack of fuel; five cents a 
day permits the employment of a hundred labor- 
ers for the cost of one mechanic in America. 

That skins of Nile water are carried by Egyp- 
tians miles for one-half piastre — 2^ cents. 

That the only water drank by the natives is 
Nile water. 

That the native houses in Egypt are built of a 
sort of concrete and most of them have no roofs. 

That Egyptian oranges are equal to Florida 
oranges in sweetness or nearly so. 

That Shakespeare never wrote anything but his 
will. 

That the two veils — black and white — worn by 
Egyptian women mean that those who wear white 
are more quality than those who wear black. 

That they don't serve butter for dinner in for- 
eign lands. You can get it if you yell hard 
enough. 

That of all the foreigners who purchase rugs 
in Egypt, Americans are considered the best judges 
of them. 

That Marconi did not discover wireless; he 
merely applied it. 



121 



THANKS. 

To Mr. and Mrs. T. J. Felder for their careful 
attention and kind consideration and entertain- 
ment in France, Egypt and Italy. 

To Mrs. John W. Hart, Miss Donegan, Mrs. 
Walsh and Miss Marie Walsh for their diligent 
attempt to have me see more of Rome in eight 
hours than most people see there in eight weeks. 

To Tom Keck for his genial companionship and 
entertainment. 

To Mr. Windship for his attention and experi- 
ence in guiding me through Paris. 

To Mrs. Windship for her good fellowship and 
pleasant association. 

To Mr. and Mrs. Brevoort and Miss Brevoort 
for their delightful society. 

To Mr. and Mrs. Donald Harper for the pleas- 
ant evenings at Mr. Felder's and at their beauti- 
ful home. 

To Miss Margaret Carlisle, of London, for her 
courteous treatment and pleasant conversation. 

To the Consonant Club for their good wishes 
and farewell dinner the evening prior to my sail- 
ing. 

To. Captain Harry Smith of the "Cedric" for 
all his kind attentions during the long voyage 
from Alexandria to New York. 

126 



To Dr. Pryor of the "Cedric" for vaccinating 
me and then curing me when I was sick. 

To Henry Schweitzer for aiding me in correct- 
ing "the proofs." This must be the first case on 
record of a genuine American having a genuine 
Dutchman correct his English. 

To Col. John G. Lonsdale, Mr. A. A. Knowles 
and Walker, Mr. Lonsdale's valet, for the mag- 
nificent reception at the dock upon my return to 
New York, and for the speedy manner in which 
they pushed me through the Custom House and 
whisked me to my apartment in his auto. 

To all those who have given the time to peruse 
these pages — for any one who writes a book should 
be thankful to all those who read it. 

Thanks to Mr. J. Nalle, of Bryn Mawr, Penn- 
sylvania, for his courteous treatment and valuable 
expressions on Egypt. 



127 



REGRETS. 

That I was unable to remain in London longer 
than three days. 

That Judge Mayer of No. 1 Regent Street, Lon- 
don, did not keep his engagement with me and 
give me that letter of introduction to Lord 
Kitchener. 

That I did not meet Augustus B. Eddy before 
the last day of my sojourn in Paris. 

That I was unable to accept the kind invitation 
to visit Mr. and Mrs. M. Oscar Doering, at Leipsic, 
Germany. 

That I missed the celebrated dinner at the 
Savoy by being too modest in ringing up Mayfair 
on the night of my arrival. 

That I found out that Shakespeare didn't write 
anything. 

That I was unable to remain in Rome longer 
than one day. 

That I was not familiar with Roman history 
sufficiently to remember everything I saw and 
heard and especially as I did not know all the 
names of the Popes and Emperors. 

128 



HART PANGS. 

Three-fourths of the earth is water, and salty 
at that. So don't forget it. 

Always tell a lie to get at the truth; but never 
tell truth to get at a lie. 

Right is wrong when it hurts and wrong may 
be right when it soothes. 

To assume a virtue, is a theft. 

Rant as much as you please, you may scare some- 
one. 

Don't forget to learn, but learn to forget. 

To condone a fraud to make a profit is criminal. 

To appropriate a thought and disseminate it, 
is flat burglary. 

Always get the photograph of the other man. 
Let no one measure you but your tailor. 

Always write with a pencil. 

Never let your palate fool your stomach. 

Never let go until you catch on. 

A man can hold a woman best by letting 
her go. 

Men are as as different in their minds as they 
are in their countenances. 

What a man says seldom has much to do with 
his acts. They should not be measured by their 
words, because their tongues slip too much. 

Inconsistency is a large part of the human 
makeup. When everybody gets to be consistent 

129 



there will be no need of pulpits, jails or court 
houses. 

If someone will develop our other sense, then 
everybody will become straight. 

To call a man a damn fool is no argument. It 
is a confession. 



130 



FINIS. 

If anybody who reads these pages as they are 
written, the occurrences as they are repeated, the 
stories as they are prepared, wants to change the 
phraseology, reform the ideas, or correct the 
spelling, I don't propose to have any arguments 
with them, for whatever they want to do, or what- 
ever they want to say about it, that's exactly 
what I want to do and "that's what I said." 



131 



USEFUL AKABIC. 

The following words and phrases will be of 
good service to the Egyptian traveler. They are 
easily mastered: 

Good morning — Neharak said. 

Good evening — Leitak saidah. 

Bring— Hat Gib. 

Show me — Warreeni. 

Give me — Iddeeni. 

Be quick — Istaagil. 

Be quiet — Iskut. 

Go away — Imshi. 

Go, go on — Rooh, yallah. 

I want — Ana auz. 

I do not want — Moosh auz. 

If I want anything — Izakan auz haga, ann. 

I will tell you — Acolak. 

What do you want? — Auz eh? 

Come here — Tsaala hena. 

What is the time ? — Ess saa kam ? 

Open the door, the window — Iftah el bab, esh 
shibbak. 

Shut— Ffil. 

Listen to me — Esma minni. 

How much is this? — Kam di. 

It is too dear — Ghali awi. 

I have no money — Ma andeesh feloos. 

Never mind — Maalaish. 

132 



When?— Emta. 
When — Lamma. 
Carriage — Arabeah. 

Are you disengaged, driver? — Enta fadi ya, 
arbagi ? 

Drive on — Soogh. 

Straight — Doghri. 

To the right — Yemeenak. 

To the left — Shemaalak. 

Turn around — Dawaar. 

Stop!— Andak! 

Go to the station, hotel— Rooh fil mahattah, 
locanda. 

I will not give you any more — Ana ma deelaksh 
ziyada. 

Do not hit your horse — Ma tidraph hosanak. 

Put the hood down — Nazzil el kapoot. 

Put the hood up — Talla el kapoot. 

Be off with you— Rooh be'eed Minni'. 

Who is talking to you — Meen be kallimak. 

Run — Igri. 

Don't do so — Ma-tamilish keda. 

Look here — Esma. 

Next time — Teni noba. 

Slowly — Bishwayish-alamahlak. 

To-morrow — Bukkra. 



133 



MAY 27 19!2 



